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Thursday, December 18, 2014

~ Why I Hate The Elf On The Shelf

1)  I suffer from Tooliteralism therefore I find it unacceptable that he seemingly spends so little time on a shelf.  If it's part of your actual name?  Live the fuck up to it.  Jimmy 'the Greek' wasn't German. 

B)  I feel like he is in the early stages of a coup.  It's well documented...  Santa knows when you are sleeping.  He knows when you're awake.  He knows if you've been good or bad.  ...So what's this prick up to?  Santa doesn't need a frail, loose lipped lackey in his entourage.   He's the man.  Elf is nuthin' but a chump biding his time until the I'm assuming bloody holiday hostile takeover begins.  #Usurper


Trois)  I'm not even convinced this sneaky child watchin' bastard is even an elf.  Granted, my knowledge of elves is quite limited.  But what I do know?  A:  Elves have pointy ears.  Those look like perfectly average ears.  (Elf ear peepin' - hereLollipop guild member?  Maybe.  Elf?  Nah.  ...And if he lies about that?  What else is he lying about??

IV)  Now, I'm not a parent.  This in no way precludes me from providing parenting advice.  I get that sometimes snitching is the best course of action.  We are in the era of if you see sumthin', say sumthin' after all.  I don't begrudge Elf for reporting accurate information.  But that's situational.  When habitual it's called bein' a tattletale.  Right after don't hit/bite and this is how/where to pee, one of the first things a kid learns is, "don't be a tattletale".   Yet each Christmas a confusing message is sent that while they shouldn't tattle it's perfectly permissible for the Elf to do so.  The holidays are already too convoluted by hypocrisy.  The meaning of the season vs. the marketing and materialism of the season.  This extra layer of don't tattle/no, tattling is totally ok is just unnecessary.  Eliminate the confusion.  ELIMINATE THE ELF! 




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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

~ Separated At Birth

When I was a lil' brown girl I spent my hard earned money on this book:



In fairness, my Mom probably spent her hard earned currency.  I likely invested my funds in shares of Lic-A-Stick.  Nonetheless, this book was one of my LBG faves, as demonstrated by the fact that I still fuckin' have it. 

Obviously, sumthin' rubbed off on me...

 
 
Dear Mark & Ethan,
Stop being the same person.
Love,
Everybody

 
 
 
Please note:  Fame is not necessary for doppelganger-ness.  Kid?  Of course everyone knows Kid and his esteemed colleague, Play.   But unless you find yourself watching tv in Buckeyeland, Rob Nestico may be an unfamiliar face name.  Now, I donno what kind of an attorney he is, but he makes a strong case for starting the rumor that Kid entered witness protection, changed his name, got a haircut, moved to Ohio and passed the bar.
 
(Rob/Kid's commercial - Here)
 
 
Separated at birth can even happen to things not actually born.  



 
Did I take the picture of the Brussels sprouts because up until that very moment wanderin' the aisles of Trader Joe's I believed that Brussels sprouts (aka: mini cabbage) were made in the same way regular cabbage is made, in the ground?  Yes.  Yes, I did.  (So, thank you Trader Joe's for being both a place to buy things and a learning opportunity.  Love,  ~ BBG)







 
 
I'm not suggesting Son of Sam and the Top Chef-er have the same mother/father.  But without conclusive DNA results I certainly can't rule it out.  Can you?


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Thursday, December 11, 2014

~ Where's Your Wallet?

In my experience, it's fair to say unless you are currently engaging in the alcohol arts you probably know exactly where your wallet is.  It's one of those items we, with the exclusion of tipsiness, would never really let out of our sight, but more accurately, our presence.  Sans sandman time, we tend to keep our money on us.  Most people go to great lengths to secure their wallet.  It's so the norm that it's hard to conceive of a scenario where you would purposefully put your wallet in danger of being stolen, isn't it? 

Which is what made what I watched unfold earlier today so heartbreaking.

It was a quick stop at a gas station convenience mart for some smokes.  (From the Do What I Say, Not What I Do Files;  Don't smoke.  This isn't hypocrisy, it's when people who do something say you shouldn't do it, that's your sign-risy.)  As I pulled into the parking space a black guy wearin' a black hoodie walked by and in just before me, I passed him in an asile, he gentlemanly stepped outta my way as I breezed by.  That was the extent of my interaction with this stranger guy.  He wound up in front of me in the line for the cashier.  I had taken no special note of him.  Which is sayin' sumthin' because I am one of those drive up to a gas station (really, anyplace) take a second to look to see if anyone/thing looks hinkey before entering type girl.  (aka:  A girl who was raised by Police Officers to be situationaly aware.)  I want some smokes, maybe a pop.  I do not want to walk into a armed robbery, ya know?   

But it didn't take long for black/black hoodie guy to have my full and undivided attention.  As he stepped up with whatthefuckever he was purchasing he said something to the cashier and I watched him turn around step away from the counter, walk towards the motion sensor-y doors, bend down to get his backpack from the floor.  He proceeded to pull out his wallet and return to pay for his items.

As I stood there shame and pity overwhelemed me.  I felt it wash over me from head to toe as I recognized that a man didn't recklessly leave his money at the entrance of a store just begging to be pilfered.  I wanted to be wrong.  And I hate being wrong.  I so wanted him to be a dumbass who just didn't understand the ramifications of leaving ones valuables unattended in a public place.  I knew I wasn't.  But I asked anyway... Come on, humanity-- No Whammies!

"If you've got a second I have a weird question for ya?"

Once I completed my transaction I turned to find black/black hoodie guy misguidedly patiently waiting for me, as we stepped outside I super nosily asked him, "why was your backpack on the floor?" 

His answer?  '...girl, you know.  Less hassle...' 

I heard his words.  But what I felt, what broke my heart and filled me with shame for our society was his subtext;  As a black man in 2014, in America, I live in a culture where it's preferable to have all of the valuables I'm carrying stolen than it is to walk through a store with anything that might give someone even the slightest of notions that I might be committing a crime. 

The next time someone tries to tell you about what a magical post-racial climate we're livin' in before you nod in agreement, ask yourself if that's actually true?  Or if the only truth is that s/he is a skin color that is culturally afforded the benefit of the doubt that s/he probably isn't there to thieve and isn't made feel that in order to avoid being unnecessarily inconvenienced the safest, easiest, best course of action when buyin' a snack is to leave their wallet on the floor by the door?  


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Monday, November 24, 2014

~ Girlcott 2014

The list of things I boycott is, admittedly, lengthy.  But honestly?  What's wrong with putting one's money where their mouth and conscience is?  People should support whatever strikes their personal fancy.  I've been boycotting all non-American owned and operated breweries since before I was legally old enough to drink.  (so long, PBR)  I'm currently in the midst of breaking up with boycotting McDonald's. 

"Where we can do?  We should do."     - BBG

As much as I believe in a responsibility to boycott shit I am diametrically opposed to, for some reason/the fuckin' other, I also believe there is an equal responsibility to girlcott* (the opposite of boycotting) things I dig and respect.

I don't want to sound sexists, but girlcotting is unequivocally the best kind of cotting.  Apologies, boys. 

Unlike boycotting, which serves to punish, girlcotting serves to reward (everyone).  #PositiveCorporateReinforcement

...And when rewarding an entity that aligns with your view of how the world oughta be, plus you still get to get/have/do what you want?  Girlcott participation is a no-brainer.

#SecondPlateSolidarity
Also a should-be no-brainer?  The notion that people ought to, unless they work a It's-Imperative-for-the-Wellbeing-of-Mankind kind of job, be able to take the day to gather with friends and/or family for Thanksgiving without greedy ass corporations making that fuckin' impossible.  Sadly, because this blog-y world is the only one I've been granted oversight of it's not. 

The truth is by the time Santa stops waving at lil' prade watchin' kids Thursday morn' mom's, grandpa's and cousins all over the country will leave their families to save a couple of bucks on some item that (Spoiler:) in 17 months the recipient won't remember they own.  Clearly, a too damn many lot of American brains subscribe to the mindset of;  I gotz ta git mine

Companies gotz ta git their profits.  ...Money.  People love you more than Granny's stuffing.  Fine.  Apparently, more than Granny.  And if that means they have to manipulate sell consumers on the myth that in order to properly 'git theirs' saving $17 is a better expenditure of Thanksgiving Day time than spending time with those gathered 'round their table?  So.  Fucking.  Be.  It.

I'm sure heaven, the after life, whatever you cotton to, is filled with dead loved one's who's last thought was, 'That (insert sweet ass deal item here) was better than just one more conversation.  Good call, (loved one)'.

We (of the collective variety) fall for it.  In droves.  Dumbasses.  It takes two to fuck up the holiday fabric of our culture tango.  But I feel extra blame gets assessed towards business as they leave their workers no choice about how they'll choose to spend the day.  Greedy ass bastards tracing back to Scrooge McDuck have historically gravitated towards this tactic.    

It's time to Tiny Tim up.  WWTTD?  

Honestly?  I have no clue.  But I like to imagine, that like you, he'd be on board with a well deserved girlcott.


As a reward to the non-greedy Thanksgiving day at least companies that when it came down to Put Up v. Shut Up of showing how they 'value their employees', picked Put Up, these are places I'll be girlcotting over the next few weeks.  If your conscience tells you people who aren't police officers, nurses, pilots, gas station workers, hotel staff, the person who keeps the electricity from switchin' off in your area, et al essential to society not falling into anarchy should have an opportunity to spend a family/friend day with family 'n friends?  Girlcott the shit outta 'em: 

 


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Friday, November 21, 2014

~ Cat Wine

Cat wine.  Two words I never assumed would ever be combined. 


But here we are.

I'm guessing this is wine made for people as it was tucked away with the rest of the people hooch, and not in the pet aisle.  Plus, cats are historically pretty fuckin' bad with wine openers...  After that I'm not real sure what's happening.  And now I am curious as to Rog, Dee 'n Dwayne's where abouts. (What's Happening!! shout out)  PETA probably wouldn't stand for cat cold presses and feline fermentation?  Therefore, I suppose actual wine made of cats is out. 

Leaving me to ponder, well, frankly, more than what I want to have to ponder about a product I'm never going to purchase who the target audience is for cat wine?  What that meeting was like?  "...So in conclusion, as you can see the cross over segment between cat ladies and chardonnay is a lucrative market worth courting."  What were the other kitty bottle options?  Were there creepier cat bottle concepts, or was this the creepiest?  Will there be a Hello Kitty crossover event/commemorative bottle?   What is the proper food paring?  Tuna?

So.  Many.  Questions.

I feel like I could use a lil' glug-glug, meow, glug.



Other BBGW Cat-centric Posts


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