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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

~Hummer Bummer

In my purrrrrfect utopia, I would own one of these:


Oh, I'd own some other things too (including a VW Thing, a Maybach, a '68 Camero) but, yeah, I'd get all BJ and The Bear wit it. Fine. I wouldn't really haul things, unless groceries qualify as "things". And I likely wouldn't travel the country in it either. But can't you just see me and my substitute chimp, Uncle John toolin' around town in a big ass cab over (or as I like to call 'em, a "flat face" truck?) I'd be one happy girl, and there would be an overabundance of air horn honking on my part, filling the air with honky goodness.

I do not own a cab over and have tacitly accepted that I likely never will. (sniffle, sniffle) But I always secretly kinda hoped that I'd someday have a relatively, more practical, Hummer. I can remember seeing Bobby Sixkiller driving one in the stellar and classic, mid-90's tv offering, Renegade. (HAHA! Bobby Sixkiller. I haven't thought of him in forever!! If you're not hip to him, totally worth a Google.) I've coveted one ever since.

I know most people think of the Hummer as a big ass nuisance vehicle driven by, well, generally, some suburban asshole with no earthly need of a vehicle of such mass and price tag. I cannot disagree with most arguments people have against the Hummer. Excess on every level? Yes. ...But I kinda always hoped when I won the lotto-- step one in the establishment of my purrrrrrrrrrfect utopia, (which I realize I'll have to actually fuckin' remember to play, to in fact win, but that's another story), a Hummer in the driveway would soon follow. Or so I imagined...

(sniffle)

Until I heard the tragic news.

Apparently, GM has discontinued production of the Hummer.

Come on now... Imagine my glee of going here and there in one of these?

I know I can move some people outta my way in my current sport ute. Because sometimes nuthin' says "get the fuck outta the passing lane with your 62mph drivin' ass, Mary" like the sight of a big ass grill closing in on you in your rear view. I sooooo would have enjoyed the sexy behemoth known as the Hummer. I coulda really moved some people with that. ...Ugh. To never know the joy of one of those tricked out with the douche-y brush guards and perhaps a rack of KC lights... (sniffle, tear)

Really, other than a Hummer the only thing more likely to clear the path is this guy approaching your back bumper.


After further review of Duel, maybe it's for the best that I will never be able to yield the power of such a ride. Although, 'Duel 2: Ohio Boogaloo' does have a nice ring to it, no? No BigBrownGirl, let it go. Another dream dashed. Thanks reality. Thanks for nuthin'.

RIP Hummer.


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