Thursday, December 30, 2010

~Fuck You: 2010

It's the sanctioned time of reflection over the past year as we watch the ball drop and smooch to the new year. I've had another interesting year. Not, perhaps in the conventional sense of "interesting", but certainly in the, "well, thats sumthin'...", kinda way.

Here are some of the things that happened in ott-10:

-Ate my first deep fried Snickers, McRib, Cold Stone cake batter ice cream, cranberry outta can jelly goo, corn dog, Manwich, Lucky Charm, skim milk & Bocca burger.

Rating: Cake batter ice cream, by far my favorite new find. I've had it several times since. The others? While I wouldn't feel the need to have another one, #1 Snickers. All the rest? Last, Laster & Lastest. At that point does it really matter in which order?

-Increased my ugly, gaudy magnet collection with the addition of Philadelphia and Seattle.

-Grew something from a seed: A moss rose, created by moi!! From a seed people!! Me?!?!

-Found love. He's a good egg. And we make a good match. In a year overshadowed by loss, Double D has been an unexpected highlight and blessing.

-Finally! I have finally mastered the thermostat!! The nights I've woken up too hot only to be followed by too cold are o-v-e-r. The thermostat is on the first floor, the bedrooms on the second, so it's always warmer upstairs than down where it's reading. For longer than I'd like to admit at various, pre-programed points of the night one of us will wake up too hot/too cold, only to stumble downstairs in our hazy half slumber to find that the thermostat says it's 71. Or 60. At 4am, neither 76, nor 66 is within our indoor comfort zone. We've both tried to adjust the temp. On several occasions. Double D even read the fuckin' directions. Once again, my sheer willpower and perhaps random pushing of buttons has WORKED!

-Discovered that plastic measuring cups will be completely mangled by the garbage disposal, if'n one is not careful. Perhaps I should have added measuring cups to my earlier Christmas wish list?

-Saw Touchdown Jesus. Right before it burned to the ground from a, (I swear it's true) lightning strike.

-Learned to make kick ass potato salad. And over easy eggs, which seem like an awful idea, but Double D loves. While I didn't actually "learn" in a way that I could replicate it at home, I did make bread, chocolate no-bakes and fudge with Nana in '10.

-Met a baby who didn't like me. At all. Wanted nuthin' to do with me. With these ta-ta's, babies usually love me. I can put a baby to sleep in no time flat when I'm holding one. This one said nooooooo thanks big hootered brown girl. ( blog title for the new year?)
-Wrote my first obituary. Of all the things I never wanted to do.

-Painted trim.

-Found out how hard, boring and labor intensive painting trim is. Straight aways are easy, but cuts on stairs, spindles, etc., holy fuck are those a pain in the ass.

-New lighting: Here, there, everywhere. (PF3 TCB'n, with help of Uncle John, who helps any situation by just sitting and looking cute. Note: Trim before it was painted and sheers before curtains were hung.) (Entry way, Thank you PF3!) (Guest bath, Thank you PF3!! Note: Holes have been patched and painted, yes by me. I'm afraid of electrocuting myself, I'm not afraid of patch and paint.) (Master bath, Thank you Double D)

-Got some new lives to corrupt. Welcome to the world, Maya, Harper and Athen!!!

-Saw a girl cow pee. I'd never seen that before. I must say, it was disturbing.

-Was seemingly stalked by various and sundry pink vehicles.

-Had the mantra I started out the year with beat outta me. "New year, new mojo" scummed to "livin' ain't for the weak" after Papa passed.

-Pulled a biker's ponytail. I just revisited last years roundup posting (Fuck You 2009/December '09) and it seems that this is the second year in a row there has been a 'ponytail incident'. Hummmm.... That probably can't say anything good about how I live my life, can it?

-Purchased a toaster oven. Turns out I think it's outstanding, I'm happy to report.

-Got these outfuckingstanding peeper shades.
-For another year I resisted the urge to bash some dumbass in the head with a brick. You're welcome world.

-For another year I tried to be a good person.

-For another year I was disappointed that a "wayback machine" hasn't been invented.

-Got new tires for ride. Realized that tires can make a discernible difference in the ride.

-Tinkled between mine and another car at a festival, much to my badge carryin' guys chagrin. When a girls gotta go...

-Had BBGW readers from every U.S. state and each continent. Who'da fuckin' thunk it? I mean, reeeeally? Honestly, that's the sign that y'all need to find sumthin' better to do. But from my standpoint, I must admit, that's pretty fuckin' cool.

-New lighting (Part II). (Thanks Ikea and Mom)

-New kitchen phone. Wait. Lemme rephrase, the grooviest retro lookin', 'hello 1954 calling' ringing phone in the world. Added bonus,it has an ol' time-y heaviness in the handset.

-Uncle John ate my toothbrush. Twice. (2nd w/new replacement brush) ...Yes,I know. It's my fault for leaving travel bags still packed where Uncle John can get to 'em. Bad pet owner.

-Was high fived by a random stranger in the grocery store as I exited. To this very day, I have no idea why.

-Was honored by my mini me Goddaughter when she named her SockMonkey after me. It's not a street or plaza or anything, but it's a start. And it warmed my heart. HA! I'm a poet and blah, blah, fuckity, blah.

-Said goodbye to my favorite big brown dog, Gus. Sometimes when Uncle John takes an extra tinkle I think perhaps he's pourin' a little out for his lost homie.

-Made a couple of groovy movies. Wait. That might be misleading. Not like mini Scorsese pieces, or Paris Hilton types, but using pics and movie maker. They're not Oscar worthy, but they're 3 minutes of non boredom. For some reason, my inability to stop to read the upload directions? My lack of computer savvy? My sheer dumb luck? I am unable to share them with the BBGWorld.

-Found the shittiest yo-yo ever.

-Lived long enough to see a political candidate make a public proclamation that they were not a witch.

-Got cable in my bedroom. Every other room had cable except for the bedroom. Yes, that was irritating. Thank you Double D!

-Ate probably more cob than the Surgeon General recommends. But damn! It was sooooo good.

-Started a new life experience by living with Double D.

-Witnessed the lengths some people in my life will go to, to help me, or make things right in my world, or take the time and make the effort to do, or say something kind, or make a gesture big or small to be there for me. (You know who you are, and I THANK YOU!) I realize every day how blessed I am with the presence of so many good and loving people in my life. I hope that I am able to show or convey how grateful I am to have them/you in my world and how much I love ya.

-Saw entirely too many kids in bars. People. Bars are for grownups. Not kids. Is it really dependant on me to notify parents of this fact?

-Spied 1/2 of the tubby cycle ridin' Guiness Record book twins.

Dear Ten~
You brought me a lot of shit. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the weird, random, cracked out and crazy. Probably, many times, more than I should have.

I do, also acknowledge, and am thankful for the loving moments and good times and good people you brought across my path. But for all of the bad, sad and awful you brought I will never forgive you. Leaving me only to say: FUCK YOU!


Monday, December 27, 2010

~Christmas Past & Present


I took another peek at my Christmas list. As I looked over it, I thought, man, you know I was a fuckin' handful as a kid. God bless my family. Clearly, they are saints. I mean, this is what I'm like now. As a grownup. Imagine what a Lil' Brown Girl musta been like back in the day?!?

I'm sure my family thanks you for the feeling of pity you must now be experiencing.

One of my favorite memories is being a wee lass (4ish) and being taken by Nana & Papa to the local mall for my yearly commune with the jolly fat one. I had my audience with Santa. And then Santa said hello to my Papa. By name! Nana likes to say that my "eyes got as big as saucers" and that I just knew I was gettin' my requested stuff. Papa had an in with Santa.

How awesome to be a kid knowin' that Santa and Papa are friends? The first Christmas without him, I was extra comforted to have such a wealth of memories, a life time of them, but what I wouldn't give to have had one more. I know. Greedy. But you can't help what you feel, only what your reactions are.

My reaction to my feelings this Christmas were all over the fuckin' board, but included; a slightly OCDish cleaning spree. In a grand display of controlling what you can, since ya can't control what ya can't. ...My first Papa-less Christmas, but I can get this floor so clean you can lick it type stuff.

I nearly broke a few laws to make sure I got the Godkids cards in the mail so they had them by Christmas, but forgot to call my Dad on Christmas day. Really, brain? Reeeeeally?!?

I found myself melancholy Christmas morning, resulting in my complete and utter inability to, and I think this is the technical term, get my ass in gear. I'd been up since 05:30 with no valid excuse for pokin' around all morning, yet I couldn't seem to mosey over to Mom's until sometime after noon. Fighting a feeling of, 'let's just get this behind us', which isn't exactly the Currier & Ives-esque vibe we, to a greater or lesser degree crave at the holidays.

There was also a little, 'what's this gonna be like'? At the prospect of doing sumthin' different and new for me, which was leaving my family to do something with someone else's family. I've always found myself with guys who's families celebrated on Eve, rather than Christmas. Or guys who's families lived elsewhere, or the afterlife. But this year involved Double D and me spending time with his kids. It wasn't like I wasn't looking forward to it, it was just having no reference point for it. I wasn't in any panic or anything, just a feeling of, 'well, this is gonna be new', ya know?

We had a good time. I must admit the diversion of a getaway from my reality of this Christmas was very nice. And I had fun hanging with Double D's kids. No matter how long moms and dads have been apart, it's never easy for kids to see them with other people. Period. To their credit, they are nothing other than polite, kind and respectful to me, so in addition to liking them, it's easy and a delight to be with them. Seeing Double D so happy to be spending time with all three of them together warmed my heart.

Christmas night Double D took us all out for their tradition of a Chinese dinner. Also a first for me. I ate my weight in shrimp and crab legs. We wrapped up the night trying to best one another in PacMan. Yes, PacMan. That's how I roll. (Wonk-wonk)

We had my family Christmas dinner on Sunday with Mom, her guy and Nana. A stupendous combination of football and good food. Mom & Dad being officers, Mom turning into a R.N., and my time working at a hotel a million years ago, means we're pretty accustomed to not necessarily having the holiday on the holiday, so it worked for us.

It wasn't a bad holiday. No one shanked anyone else. But I'm glad it's over. I feel like, I know there are good holidays left in my life, but I feel like this is the first year I've had holidays tempered by sadness, and that's never been my reality before. I know that while next year may not be "easier" at least it won't be new and fresh. I'll have some experience with things not being the same as they have been in the past. Knowing your best Christmases are behind you is a bit of a bitter pill.

So Christmas 2010. There it is.

(Papa and his BBG, 2009)


Thursday, December 23, 2010

~All I Want For Christmas

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is of course, world peace and good health and happiness for the people, and pet types I love.

Since I guess lotz a people have asked for those things for a lotta years now, I know I have, and you haven't coughed that up yet, another year of making such a request seems futile. Therefore I am asking for more attainable things.

These giant ass utensil wall decals. I think they'd be groovy on the blank wall by the dining room table:

This super sweet kitchen drain strainer that looks like a manhole cover:

These pillow cases that don't match a damn thing in my room, but strike me as being fanfuckintabulous:

These spectacular pint glasses I think I would enjoy the hell outta drinking from:

This finely crafted shower cap that would not only keep my locks dry when needed but also make me feel like a stone cold freak when I'm showerin'. And what could be better than that?!?:

I just suspect I'd feel deeeeeeelightful if sometimes I could smell like cotton candy:

Krav Maga lessons. Yes, Santa, I would like to know how to kick ass the Mossad (Israeli army) way:

A Lego camera. How have I lived this long without one, I'll never know. A working digital camera:

A hovercraft:

When my hovercraft is too big and impractical, a big ass Big Wheel might be a nice way to get around:

This Swatch ring, because a) who knew Swatch made rings and 2) it's cute:

I like both cookies and ridiculous things to wear on my head, thus making this the purrrrrfect thing for me:
(Plus, Mom says I'm too old for a SockMonkey hat. Fine. Cookie Monster it is!)

These kinda weird toe'd shoes that intrigue me:

These festive, yet understated flannels:

Hand soap. Need I say more?:

Goooooooooaaaaaaaallllll! I'm in:
This large and fantastical wine glass/cooler. Some how I envision large straws, harry buffalo and several friends:

This groovy incense holder:

These big girl underoos:

This wonderful side table that allows you to move the 100 lights around. HELLZ YEAH!! Like a LiteBrite:

An adult size Hippity Hop:

Speaking of my love of balls, one of these human balls:

In more ball related request, these light up floating balls:

One of these wall bubble fish holders:

...Wait. I already have one of those. Instead please bring me a fish.

Finally, an end to butter from corn flowing into my hamburger, eeeewww. Or gravy from mashed potatoes from making a getaway into my bread. Awesome:

Winning lottery numbers:

A retro swimming cap. I don't use a swimming cap when I swim, but if I had something as smashing as this, I just might:

One of these big ass pen caps. There is nothing better for writing than the ol' school classic, Bic. The red one is wicked cool. (Maybe because I loathe to use black ink. Ima red, blue or green girl. Uh...surprise, I'm weird. SUCK IT! Sorry Santa.):

This weird ass lookin', but if it does everything it promises, I could get use to it, bed:

It claims, "Rest on the most creative bed in the industry. You softly rock when desired and you just as easily stabilize the bed when needed. The bed can be stabilized at any angle by placing the base in the appropriate position. The soothing cover is removable and you always feel weightless when asleep." Sold.

Granted, it's a decent size list, Santa, but again, in lieu of world peace? Seems like you and the elves would be getting off easy. I'm just sayin'...

Safe travels Santa, a special scratch for Rudolph and the rest, and my hello to Mrs. Claus.


Feats of strength, anyone?

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