Wednesday, June 22, 2011

~Hate Thy Neighbor

First of all, I have named her Kooky McBean.  ...Which probably tells you a lot about my neighbor. 

But just so we're clear here are some of the reasons I don't like her:

She can't seem to master closing our fuckin' gate.  Seems like if every UPS, workerman and each and every visitor can manage to close it she could too.  But nooooooooo.

Also, she plants flowers around that common tree you see.  Never once has she asked for my input on flower selection, on what I kinda feel should not be solely her decision.  In all truthiness, this really doesn't bother me as I do not want any responsibility for watering anything more than what I already have to, (she of course wouldn't know that) nonetheless, I do find it rude and thoughtless.  I just wouldn't think of doing something in a communal space without consulting my neighbor(s).

She feeds, ostensibly the birds.
Which reeeallly means she feeds the squirrels...

Q:  Ya know who can get along fine without being fed by humans? 

A:  Birds and squirrels. 

It's not like either are in danger of extinction and Kooky McBean is the savior of their species.  They fuckin' live outdoors.  They know how to forage for food in their natural environment.   You almost never hear of massive bird/squirrel deaths due to lack of popcorn and bread.   Bringing them to your deck is irresponsible and inconsiderate.  All it leads to is the rest of us having to clean up after your visitors on our decks.  Cleaning bird poo is no fun.  Also no fun?  Fussin' at Uncle John who's barking up a storm because one of those bullshit squirrels you've invited over for a snack is walkin' my fence line, which to Uncle John is an outright declaration of war.

As if that wasn't enough she also is prone to... well, I'm not really sure?  But finding this on my hot tub lid is not (good) neighborly and gives me no reason to like her more either:

(blueberry bagel bit)

I also can't stand her because she seems to find it to be the worlds biggest task to bring her recycle bin back inside her garage after trash day.  I know this is trivial, but it looks...well, trashy.  (And how fuckin' lazy is that?!?)  She'll come and go for days leaving it out.  Sometimes it's only put back in a day or two before the next weekly trash pickup.  This of course means that now if she hasn't put it back within a day of trash day, I put her bin smack dab in the middle of her driveway so that she has to get out and move it in if she wants to park her car in her garage.  ...Yeah.  I'm that bitch.

And then there's this...

One day a free range dog in the neighborhood (and reason I hate some other neighbor) got into Kooky McBean's trash, not her fault.  However, her trash was spread all over our "yard", so I got a trash bag and started to gather it (look at me tryin' to be a good neighbor!) until I spied this what the fuckery: 

(Gross Alert!!)

This, based on her other trash was KFC chicken bones.  Now kids, when I was younger I grew a raisin on my bedside table once, so I know that food decomposition is not as quick of a process as one might imagine, so I know that this kind of fuzzy, creepy ass situation does not happen in the 7 days since our last trash day.  This is nasty and gross, and frankly makes me wonder about the state of the inside of that chicks place.  I'll have to continue to wonder as I have never (not one single time) seen her blinds open. 

Kooky McBean, you're quite a piece of work.



Anonymous said...

All I can say to this one is....OMG!!! YUCK!!!!!!!!!

Bless you for having to knowingly live next to this! Sometimes ignorance IS bliss!

(Hmm....wonder how many exclamation marks I can make in one posting? LOL)

~ Peaches

BigBrownGirl said...

Thank you for making me feel less bad about hating my neighbor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(haha) ...I'm sucha ass. ;D

Terri said...

I...I...I.... thought that that contraption was some kind of unlucky form of wildlife that she encased in some kind of scientific goop to preserve...

Holy... Bat... Fuck!!!!!!!


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