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Thursday, June 23, 2011

~Want A Reply To Your Intro Email? 'Cause It Seems Like Ya' Don't. (GAP)

Welcome.  Settle yourselves.  Ok, we've talked a bit about photo selection and profile content.  If you were absent either of those days, scroll your ass down on the right hand side and click where it says GAP/Guy Assistance Program.  Today it's all about sending an intro email.


First and foremost, it's important that you remember this one salient detail:  Don't fuck it up.

I can not express to you how crucial not fucking it up is to the success of your emailing experience.  No.  I'm not kidding.  I know that's pressure.  Guess what?  Up your game.  I don't know any other answer that isn't bullshit.  It's Darwinism in action, the strong survive and thrive.  Guys who know how to not fuck this up are the guys getting the girls you aren't even getting replies from.  The level by which you must up your game is directly proportionate the level of girl you hope to attract.  Harsh?  Cold?  Yes.  Know what else?  True.

You'll never have to 'do work' (thanks, Big Black) for the low hangin' fruit, (Awww, look at me trying to be kind to sluts, "dancers", gold diggers, girls with substance issues, girls with daddy issues wait?  Are those all one in the same? and those with dangerously low IQ's).  You can do great with her with your JV worthy efforts.  A "heeeeeeeyyyy baby", and an offer of a buttery nipple shot will probably get the job done.

But if you're shooting for a girl who has her shit together, knows a little sumthin'-sumthin' about the world, a modicum of class, well, your "heeeeeeyyy baby-in'" ass is going to be stuffed.  No sir, you're going to have to demonstrate your skills of charm and ability to exchange pleasantries in a gentlemanly manner to even get your foot on the court.  Let alone get a chance to make a basket.  Man, you are going to have to come at an elite level for the higher quality girls. 

Here are some examples of what not to do:

 "You look like you have a great bod....I'd love to see more. Holla"
Somp:  Is this really the way to begin a conversation?....and I LOVE the addition of "Holla" at the end.
BBG:  If you wouldn't walk up and squeeze a girls knockers, instead of introducing yourself, then don't lead with naughty.  Sure, you won't get smacked in an email, but ya know what you also won't get?  A reply.
Result:  No response.
Why:  An overtly naughty approach signals that you think she just might be a slut.  Unless she is a slut this will be seen as a turnoff and an insult.  That coupled with the lack of effort put into the email will yield no reply from any self respecting chick.   No effort, no reward.  X # of emails received only strong, serious contenders advance to the next round.  Sorry, scrub.


"Hi Im (protecting name of guilty), You have amazing lips . Whats your secret?"
Somp:  Lip balm? Exfoliation?  A nice tinted gloss? ....not sure how to answer this one.
BBG:  ...And because you don't, you won't
Result:  No response.
Why:  Because really?  What can she say that isn't assy?  If the only other reply, other than assy is silence, guess what?  Shhhhhhhh.  Why is she going to spend 5 minutes sending a cordial, "best of luck" type email to be kind,  when he could only invest :06 seconds in his email?  Do the math.  1 sentence =  0 reply.  Make a cheat sheet if you have to.



"hey there, how are you today pretty lady?"
BBG:  What am I even supposed to say to that?  (harp-y music and mysteriously appearing bank o' fog signifies you are about to cross over into Fuckneverland...)  "Thanks for askin', I'm almost done with my period, I'm thinkin' of having a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and if the quality of my day and the emails I'm receiving don't improve, I'm strongly considering a glass of wine this evening.  Oh, and I plan on giving my dog a bath.  Gee, how 'bout you?"  I mean, come the fuck on. 
Somp:  'Oh, I'm good. How are you?' This is about all I can offer in reply....and I think we all agree, this is NOT witty banter. Is this really all you've got? This is how you're trying to grab my attention? I don't expect a novel as an intro email, but try to say SOMETHING that will intrigue me and pique my curiosity about you. Otherwise, I'm left to believe you're going to be a total snooze to hang out with.
Result:  No response.
Why?  Perhaps it was offered from a good place (see!! I really don't want to be a bitch.) and was genuine, but it just comes off all smarmy, player-y and not in the least bit engaging.  You don't care about my day.  I know you don't care about my day, so what are you doing?!?  Not getting a reply is what.  If we can avoid being a bitch we're gonna.  Even if that means we run the risk of you thinking we're a bitch for not responding.  It's a bitchy-22 you've put us in.  Congratulations.


"call me 216XXXX64X0 do live in Xxxxxxxxxxx"
BBG:  (stares blankly, refusing to break own personal best for most 'fuck's' used in one sentence.)
Somp:  While I appreciate a man who isn't dragging out the process (ie: emailing for weeks but never meeting), I find it odd when guys just throw out their phone number to every girl they see online - before determining if there is even a mutual interest. Comes off as...I don't know.....either desperate or lazy....or maybe both. Besides, it doesn't appear like you're really trying to connect with someone when you make absolutely no effort at all.
Result:  No response.
Why?  Really?


 Uh, yeah, guy in back with your hand up?  No, no, you..the one sans pants. 

(wonk, wonka, wonka, wonk)

Good question. 

Yes, it is possible to pen a successful intro email!

It doesn't even have to be a big ass ordeal, behold:

"Hi XXXXXXXXXX !!!! i live in Xxxxxxxxx too! Maybe we're neighbors! I think it's important for neighbors to know each other....just sayin'.. ;)"
BBG:  Kinda made me giggle with his ease and playfulness.  Additionally, it showed he actually read my profile and that I mention the necessity for close geographical proximity.
Somp:  See - no novel necessary. Just something catchy that shows you're paying attention and possibly have some measure of a personality. We're really not asking too much.
Result:  Response
Why?  It was gregarious, respectful and yet playful, and without being vulgar or over the line showed a level of interest on his part.  It's a fine line all too many penis people have trouble deciphering.  Good enough to find out something more, and isn't that the point of the intro email?


"Hey there, We're both in Xxxxxxxxxx so you gotta love that. I'm not a soda person either - but I AM an outgoing, adventurous person.
In fact, I too went to see PRINCE at the Forum. Stevie Wonder was our suprise guest as well as Shiela E. Who did you have your night as a suprise??
Please give me a shout...you look FUN! How's your weekend going?  -Xxxxx
Somp: He built a case. He gave me a reason to reply. He cut through the clutter, if you will and set himself apart from every other "hey baby" in the inbox.
BBG: Engaging, and he highlights commonalities in both experiences and general 'likes' you both share, showing he took the :30 second to actually read your profile. He comes off as interested and interesting.
Result: Response
Why?: Because he gave a reason to invest your time in a reply. He gives a clue to his personality which allows you to get a feel for if you might jive. This email is interesting, all positive and gives an opening to begin a conversation.

Alright guys, you now have examples of emailing/introductions going right and yielding the results you're looking for (a reply) and things to avoid like the plague. One last tip for today... The dreaded closed ended statement/question. (Avoid!   Avoid!   Avoid!!)

Closed Ended: Do you like dance clubs? (answer possibilities: yes/no)
Open Ended: Which dance clubs do you like to hit? (answer possibilities: endless possibilities -You'll know whether or not she like dance clubs at all immediately, plus you'll know exactly what kinds of places she digs and how that compares to your likes. Plus you've actually started a conversation.)

Closed Ended: You are beautiful. (reply: Uh, thanks. ...But more likely none at all.)
Open Ended: Hi beautiful fellow book lover, who are you reading these days? (reply: I love XYZ and ABC. Currently I'm on a LMN kick. What about you?   ...Whaaaaat?!? A conversation is kicking off?!?)

As you can see the closed ended option is always the option giving you the least amount of info and least options of a response. Well, at least not-assy responses. Somehow many closed ended statements/questions lend themselves very well to sarcasm and mockery. Either way, your choice. You've been warned.


Lesson learned?
  • One sentence emails don't work. Don't be so fucking lazy.
  • Do include a compliment. Girls like compliments. (Don't make it naughty, unless she actually cites pricing-- then, fine, get all kinda brown chicken, brown cow up in that joint. Otherwise avoid naughty compliments. Also steer clear of cheezy. As well as too many, limit yourself to a maximum of two.)
  • Don't use closed ended questions/statements = kiss of death.
  • Do mention something. Something you liked that we said in our profile. Something you think we have in common. Something you know that might interest us. Somefuckin'thing.
  • Do use questions, don't just rely on statements. (It won't work. ...See how it's been mentioned twice?)
  • Do if you've got it use your humor. (But realize one man's humor is another persons jackassery, use judiciously.)
  • Do make it easy for a girl to reply. 


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5 comments:

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO!!!!! You are providing a public service Thanks

Kathy said...

I look forward to "GAP" :-) this should be required reading for all men

BigBrownGirl said...

YES!! It should be. Things would sure be a lot easier (better, nicer) for girls if it were! Thanks for enjoying ;D

Anonymous said...

At least you are getting emails! I can't believe HOW LAZY these guys are - just press the "meet me" button and think I'll come running???!!! Get real, fools!!!!

~ Peaches

BigBrownGirl said...

"Get real fools"...that's the spirit Peaches!!

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