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Friday, July 1, 2011

~Dear Dumbass Driver

Dear Dumbass Driver,
In case you were unaware, and clearly you are, the side mirror included standard on your vehicle is there for a reason.  A safety reason, and not as you seem to believe, to function as a foot rest.

(Spied on my way to pick up Nana for the weekend)

Driving is somewhat akin to being at an amusement park, the best practice is to leave your fuckin' limbs inside the vehicle at all times.  Personally, I don't make it a habit to even put my arm outta the car whilst driving as it seems like a pretty good fuckin' way to loose my arm, if lets say the driver approaching me suddenly has an MI and sideswipes my ride. 

Sure, you think I'm overly cautious, but look at me typing with both hands.  A lot of shit that is "unlikely" happens.  Melting nuclear reactors are "unlikely" to happen, but I'm guessin' anyone near Fukushima cookin' from the inside out affected by the nuclear plant wishes safety had been more at the forefront before things went hinky.  It only takes a moment for things to go haywire.  Due to some crazy ass amazing math (thanks Motorcop 
http://motorcopblog.com/2011/06/23/speed-estimation-yours-vs-mine/ ) I have an inkling of how quickly things can happen at highway speeds.  And while I can't really explain that (see why I gave you the link?), it looks like faster than I suspect you have the ability to bring that damn left leg of yours back into the relative safety of your vehicle.   

In addition to the danger factor to your appendages, you may notice that your big ass tennis shoe'd up foot obscures your view from the mirror.  ...Although, I'm guessin' if you don't give a rats ass about keepin' that leg all the rest of your life, you're probably not the sort concerning yourself with big picture bullshit like seein' traffic behind/beside you as ya motor on your way.  Fuck 'em, am I right?...

Just so you know I am not the only one who has a problem with your modified driving technique.  According to a lil' ditty known as the Ohio Revised Code (4513.23) which states that your dumbass muther fuckin' foot blocking half of your mirror is not only stupid but against the law.  ...And as you may know 'round these parts, Troop don't play.

(The actual code for the 1 person who gives a rats reads:  (A) Every motor vehicle, motorcycle, and trackless trolley shall be equipped with a mirror so located as to reflect to the operator a view of the highway to the rear of such vehicle, motorcycle, or trackless trolley. Operators of vehicles, motorcycles, streetcars, and trackless trolleys shall have a clear and unobstructed view to the front and to both sides of their vehicles, motorcycles, streetcars, or trackless trolleys and shall have a clear view to the rear of their vehicles, motorcycles, streetcars, or trackless trolleys by mirror.)

Question:  Do you really think Troop who A) who has to wear this hat all shift and II) is regimented enough to, ya know, be a Troop is gonna think your footloose and fancy free drivin' style is funny while being tasked with enforcing the highway laws?
Answer:  No.  Enjoy that fine hoss!

Lastly, while you driving skillz lead me to believe you're a bloomin' idiot, you should know that it also makes me think you're driving the highways and byways whackin' off.  Yep, that's right, in addition to thinking your a bad driver I think you're a public chicken choker, so congratulations dumbass you've also got that goin' for ya.  'Tis a banner day indeed.

Love,
BBG

P.S.  When I inevitably see the headline, "Dumbass Looses Leg In Crash", I'll know it's you.  And I will be laughing my ass off. 

Dear God,
It's me, BBG.  I'm sorry I'm such an ass. 
Love,
BBG


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