Friday, July 22, 2011

~Half Dude

I mentioned it the other day, only later to realize that for readers who don't know know me, that it could have been open for misinterpretation. 

A wild, The Crying Game/Dude Looks Like A Lady/Chaz Bono misinterpretation, which made me think should set the record straight.  So for those of you who know know me and checked in today to get your daily(ish) dose of crazy; Congratulations, you get a free day!  

...Alright, since it's just us, lemme offer up a big ass and official WELCOME to the population of 'da World, new readers!!.  

Let the clarification begin:

Again, the other day I said something about being "boyish" or "a boy-girl".  If you're anything like me-- overly literal with a propensity for making up your own truth when ya don't know the real rest of the story, I want to go ahead and make the correction:  I am not a hermaphrodite, nor am I transsexual.  Nor whatever PC term for 'chicks with dicks' is being bandied about these days.   

In some ways I'm super girly, I present kinda prissy.  I'm almost always to be found in some dress.  (Not for religious reasons or anything, pious like that.  Nope.  All vanity.   I do not think I have the kinda ass that should be forced on everyone who walks slower than me who doesn't have the benefit of requiring a cane or a service dog.  I just think it's best for us all.)  I'm never outta the house without a minimum of mascara, gloss and a smudge of blush.  But that's :90 seconds worth of work, and the day I can't invest one actual moment into lookin' decent is the day you'll know I've just completely given up on life.   A chipped nail isn't going to be a day ruiner or anything, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it's not gonna fuckin' be there tomorrow.   Sometimes I can even be downright thoughtful, nurturing and sweet.  Sometimes.

But what the dresses, skirts, jugs and vagina don't show is that a good deal of my thinking and actions tend to be more boycentric.  Many times my natural inclination to situations are distinctively guy like. 

I remember noting the difference between me and most (girl) girls as I stood in the beer truck line while OSU football tailgating.  Some other girl in the gaggle had just spied her ex, which resulted in her standing in the midst of hundreds of beer fueled, high five'n, sports fans crying.  I saw some of the other girls in our group circle around her, hug her up and comfort her.  I, in true guy fashion, thought to myself, 'there's no cryin' in baseball' and decided that it was the perfect time for a beer run, er, walk.  I thought her emotional outburst, and the sanctioners consolers actions were weird.  And not only did I not understand it, in a, does.  not.  com.  pute. way, it was a behavior and response that was the anthesis of what my natural reaction to the situation would be. 

First of all, I would never give anyone, particularly an ex the satisfaction of letting them know they had the power to make me cry.  Um, NEVER!  (shakes fist aggressively) Especially at a sporting event for fuck's sake.  Secondly, unless pretty much someone has died, my idea of providing emotional aid, empathy and comfort is sharing a piece of gum.  Yeah, that's right.  If sumthin' is wrong expect a piece of:

(If feelings and emotions can't be avoided offer gum.)

I'd prefer to have a conversation about golf, cars, politics or guns than feign interest in the happenings of any Real or Desperate housewives, participate in any "what do you think he meant when he said X?" conversations, or engage in any sort of window shopping.  No. Fuckin'.  Thanks.

I'll always pick the Bruce Willis / action / something's gettin' blown up / somebody's gonna die movie over the chick flick offering.  Probably attributable to being raised on a healthy dose of The Big Red One, Guns of Navarone, Medway and Dirty Harry.  (Thanks, Dad!)  I'm never gonna wanna "go dancing", antiquing or to a bed and breakfast. 

I'm probably always much closer to scratchin' sumthin', cursin' (well, helloooooo obvious!) or spittin' than I am to sittin' at the salon for :90 minutes, reading a romance novel or discussing the merits of "diet" or "lite" anything.

Being a boy-girl also makes me approach things in a "fix it" mentality.  Something pointed out to me while in Chicago.  We were riding down the street when while stopped at a light a bicyclist riding along the cross street dropped some money out of his jacket pocket.   I picked it up, we turned the corner to catch him and as the driver slowed to pace him, I handed the $20 out the window to him, and told him:
  1. "Here.  This fell out of your jacket pocket."  (aka:  This is your problem)
  2. "Put it in your jeans pocket so it doesn't fall out again."  (aka:  This is how to fix your problem)
I can remember the people in the car all giggles as they cackled, "you are such a boy!" then telling me that they (the other girls in the car) would have just left it with, 'here's your money back'.  But that I, like a man, had to fix it

Like a man, I'm verrrrry good at directions (both reading a map and having a good internal compass for which way I'm going/need to go, and if I've been somewhere once I can always get back there).  Unlike a guy, I will ask for directions.  Regardless of what I require a knife for, I choose the big butcher.  It's not uncommon for me, when alone to eat directly outta the pot in lieu of a plate or bowl.  (It's just the pragmatic thing to do, ya know?) And in guy fashion, of the last 10 days I've eaten cob 9 times.  Sometimes for breakfast.  Activities I'd like to do yet this summer include going to a batting cage and going shooting.  My standard modus operandi is usually a two pronged approach:  1) Walk it off.  B) Suck it up. 

"Boy-girl" could be misconstrued, but as you can see is not wholly inaccurate.

So, now that we've established that my boy-ness is only from the neck up, and that except for some moments here and there (winky-winky) I am indeed cock-free, here are a few places you can go check how boy/girl your brain is:

BBG:  Your Brain is 42% Female, 58% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve 



Anonymous said...

Would you do the batting cage or shooting in a dress as well?? ;)


~ Peaches

BigBrownGirl said...

Honestly? Probably.

(Once while working I found myself at a range in heels and a dress. One should be able to double tap in *any* conditions, right?!?) I can say I won't be sportin' heels on either of these two adventures. But a sport appropriate skirt/dress? ...It's how I roll. ;D

P.S. I've also had the occasion to operate a forklift in heels and a dress. Nuthin' entertains/surprises a semi truck driver more than seein' that.

dirtycowgirl said...

I am 60% male - apparently.

That explains the moustache then.

BigBrownGirl said...

hehehe...I don't know 'bout the 'stache, but it may explain why I find your blog soooo entertaining!

Now. Are we gonna have to start some 1/2 dude club? Will there be a special handshake? A mission statement?

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