Friday, July 8, 2011

~Traumatic Ta-Doin's: Dusk To Dawn

(Attn:  Guys!!  GAP/Guy Assistance Program has been postponed due to teacher trauma.  We will resume class perhaps tomorrow.)

Last night I was noodling around BBGW HQ and sumthin' catches my eye.  Now the BBGW HQ is generally a fairly dim place (no BBG's a dumbass/dim jokes please!  ...This is traumatic.  You can tell from the title.), I don't like the bright, glaring interrogation lighting so many seem fond of.  Because of my 10 watt preferred existence, I had trouble making out from a distance what the sumthin' no good was that I could see on the ceiling.

As I stood up and walked over to investigate I assumed it was a wayward moth who had illegally gained entry into my home, which dismayed me immensely.  As I flipped on the big ass fluorescent overhead lighting, illuminating the room like the sun itself, I discovered that it was some kinda creepy ass, too many legged and possibly double headed muther fuckin' bug. 

After quickly making mental note that this is one of the worst things about being single, I realized that I really didn't have any options here other than girling up and taking care of the horrible situation.  So there I was, there I was, like a modern day boobed McGuyver trying to come up with a way to take care of that damn bug.  I surveyed the room and the first thing that seemed like it might be helpful was the can of Scotch Guard I had used earlier in the day.  Spritz...crazy ass bug ceiling scurrying...BBG skittering...spritz... crazy ass bug ceiling scurrying...BBG heart racing and further skittering...  That however only resulted in the ceiling being pretty well water and spill proof.

Turns out my multi-legged nemesis would require more effort (and bravery) to defeat, so I moved on to the next item in my impromptu bug killin' arsenal, a hand vac.  I grabbed my little, 'I've got a small mess' vacuum and held it up to the ceiling, thinking I would be able to suck it up and be done with this whole verrrrry scary situation.  Of course, this brought with it, it's own set of BBG fears as I, being familiar with Murphy and his muther fuckin' law could easily envision creepy ass bug scurrying down the vac and touching me.  A fate I didn't know if I could ever recover from.  Ever so carefully vrrrroooooooooom, vrrrrrooooooom...Apparently the sucking power needed to kill a bug was asking too much of my vac.  Dismayed (and shaky from nerves) but not defeated I moved on to the air freshener I saw a few feet away.  Short version:  Creepy ass bugs don't give a shit about fresh cotton air freshener.  Turns out fresh cotton air freshener is like angel dust, or PCP to crazy ass bug.

Now things are seriously bad and I know what I have to do.  Off comes the sandal I'm sportin' and I manage to knock it off of the ceiling, now I am in a fight for my life!!  Now it's on the same footing as me and I know is creating some exoskeleton/Talaban like attack on me....WHAAACK!!  Accompanied by a BBG/6 year old little girl scream.  (I'm not proud, I'm just reportin' the facts.)  I lifted the shoe, which I quite possibly may never wear again, to see the biggest pile of bug guts, goo and legs I've ever seen.

Because I've been so traumatized by the events of the past 90 seconds I find myself unable to attend to body disposal and return the shoe to it's make shift bug headstone spot until I can deal with it and I shakily sit for a well deserved and now much needed smoke.  As I try to clam myself from the ta-doin's I can feel water attempting to spill outta my peepers.  Upon realizing that I am on the verge of tears, I start to giggle at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.  ...Which is the exact moment that my phone rings.  LEM is on the other end and sweetly immediately gets all, "oh, no what's wrong?", as she knows that I'm not some cryin' chick, and I'm sure because the last time she heard me cry was when Papa was sick and dying.  I very quickly assured her that I nothing was wrong as I tried to gather my wits enough to recount what had just unfolded at BBGW HQ.  It was one of the worst experiences I've had in a long while, which I know signifies that I lead a charmed life and shouts:  BBG is a bug whimp!

When the rush of adrenaline subsides and after my LEM chat, I make my way to bed.  Feed Uncle John a baby carrot, a strawberry and several blueberries as a nighttime snack, making my 15 lb schnauzer the best nourished being in the house.  (Unless of course you consider my intake of Dew, Cheez-It's, 3 pieces of bacon, a cookie and a Peppermint Patty as nutritional...)  I am one of those awful sorts who insists on the tv blaring all night.  Honestly, if I wake up through the night to find the tv off, it causes a visceral reaction of immense anger.  I generally fall asleep with the remote in my hand.  I generally wake up with the remote in my hand.  Mainly, because I find that if I wake up to the chip, chip, chip clinking of late night poker I start thinking of ways to strike out.  "Striking out" is of course code for concocting a plan to kill someone. 

This morning I woke up around 06:30 and my uber present remote was no where to be found as I was stuck on CNN (good morning Robin Meade).  I looked everywhere in an attempt to get to my local news station, too stubborn to actually touch the tv and change stations.  Under sheet, moved pillows, searched under both sides of the bed.  It's now closing in on 08:00 and I still have no fuckin' clue where my remote is, or how it made it's get away during the night.  Needless to say, the past 10 hours or so at BBGW HQ have been pretty damn sketchy.  And traumatic. 

I'm hoping today takes a much more upward trajectory.  And that I'm able to locate my remote before I return to bed tonight. 

Trauma be gone damn it!

May you have a bug and trauma free day and may it be filled with easy access to your remote.



Anonymous said...

OMG, girlfriend!! THANK YOU for that laugh this morning - I sure needed it!!!! Hope the day is a little calmer for you - of course, after you clean up the bug guts! ;)


~ Peaches

BigBrownGirl said...

Thank you for your good wishes, clearly I really, really need them! Hope you have a grand day too Peaches :D

Anonymous said...

Too funny BBG!!!!

dirtycowgirl said...

Allow me to recommend something.

I'd be a screaming mess without it.

BigBrownGirl said...

People helping people, now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!!

DirtyCowgirl that is the most spectacular gizmo ever. What an invention! I only wish I had this the other day, it looks much more useful (and reasonable) aproach than my "plan".

Thanks for sharing!! I am bestowing you with the 2nd ever in the history of the BBGW a comment Gold Star, congrats (you must be giddy) ;D

dirtycowgirl said...

*Bows, cries and goes off to prepare speech"

Terri said...

You do realize, don't you, that the ghost of "bug" manifested itself in the night's middle.. only to decide the BEST DAMN WAY to get back at you for a) waterproofing him, b) sucking what was left of his mid life crisis coif RIGHT off the top of his noggin, c) making him smell of Cottony Fresh mist.. making him fear, for the next few seconds of his ugly bug life that he would have lots of 'splainin to do with the Mrs. when he gets home and d) causing him severe internal bleeding, which smarted like a BITCH for about 2.8 seconds.. was to steal your beloved remote.

Effing with one's head is life's BEST revenge.. you know it, I know it, and Ugly B knew it ;)

Mrs. Mackey

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