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Sunday, July 24, 2011

~Uncle John Is Trying To Kill Me

I can't say why, but clearly my little 15 lb. schnauzer is trying to hasten my demise.   

Exhbit A:

(He's serious:  Uncle John built in murder redundancy)

Dear Uncle John,
I do not think attempted murder qualifies you for good boy status.  Additionally, it's not even a good fucking idea.  With your lack of opposable thumbs how do you think you're gonna eat, or open the door to go outside?  I'm also your only access to all of your treats.  May I remind you that you do not posses the upper body strength to open the fridge.  You remember the fridge-- the magic box that houses all of your favorites; celery, baby carrots, strawberries, lettuce and blueberries.  And if I'm piled in a bloody, open fractured heap at the bottom of the stairs who do you think will help you play with your toys?  They don't throw themselves, you know.

Kindly stop trying to kill me.  I've got my eye on you.
Love,
BBG 


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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bad dog Uncle John!

dirtycowgirl said...

LOL

AT least he's subtle - my cats are just plain blatent. They like to sleep on the stairs, and make no attempt to move when I'm trying to get up or down them.

BigBrownGirl said...

Some day when you seriously have nuthin' better to do, check the archives Jan. '10 for Abandoned Babies Are A Buzzkill and All Things Catty Roundup. (they are my only cat tales)

I will add your cat/step story to my list of reasons why cats aren't my favorites. At least I've got a fighting chance with Uncle John!

Terri said...

As I do recall, this isn't the first time...

I see an episode of "Who the BLEEP did I Marry"- special "pet" addition, in the two of you's future. There HAS to be some deep seeded misinformed storyline behind UJ's "life goal" of causing your demise that none of us can quite figure.

A healthy, well balanced diet?
More toys than a Toys R Us ad?
Love and affection?

It's possible your lack of love and support during storms has turned him on edge?

The world needs to know!

MM

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