Thursday, August 25, 2011

~Too Literal

Last night whilst flippin' through the tv guide I spied a show airing on some channel or the other called, Big Easy Brides.  Now, nothing about it particularly caught my eye, it's not exactly the kinda show I'm drawn to, but as I moved the remote button onto other prospects I did find myself thinkin', reeeeally?...there's a show about fat, slutty, brides?!?

Hours later I was putting myself to bed, giving Uncle John his pre doggy slumber celery treat when (Ding-DING-DING!!) it dawned on me that it was probably about brides in New Orleans and not chunky promiscuous girls in inappropriately, given their extreme sluttyness, white dresses.

It's not the first time I've taken away something completely different than the intended meaning of a message.

A million years ago while riding in a funeral procession we passed a residential area and I remember seeing:

...And thinking, 'that doesn't seem very nice.'  While wondering what the hell kinda town had an entire subdivision they mandated the Down's kids and their families of the area to live.

My self diagnosed, tooliteralism is a condition that extends itself and impacts areas other than the visual.

I recall a day hearing football coach, Bill Purcell being interviewed where he made mention of being superstitious.  For reasons I cannot explain, hearing it promptly made me pick up the phone and call a friend.  I dialed Somp.  Now, I'm one of those horrible, assy, just-start-talkers.  It went a little like this:

Ring a ding, ding...

MKO (unbeknownst to me answering Somp's phone):  Hello.
BBG:  can we just be semistitious?  Or must we be full on superstitious? 
MKO:  (silence)  (giggle)  ...Whoooo is this?  

Unfortunately, for her, MKO without advanced warning of my condition experienced an acute flare up of my tooliteralism.  Fortunately, for me, she had heard the same interview milliseconds prior while at Somp's house, making my statement only 99% crazy.
My condition manifests itself in other ways.  Surveys for example, are almost torturous to me.  Always/Never type options take me toodamnlong to complete, because very few things in life are, if we're being honest, completely always or absolutely never. Like most people unaffected by tooliteralism, you probably breeze through such things.  Me?  It takes f-o-r-e-v-e-r to complete the normally easy task. 

I took a some survey that popped up regarding tv viewing.  The question was something along the lines of; You watch tv?:    
___ It's always on   
___ It's never on. 

...Well, my tv is usually on, however I'm not always sitting in front of it glued to it.  It's background noise.  I certainly actively watch far fewer hours than the tv finds itself in the on position.  Where the fuck is my 'usually on/sometimes watching' option?  I don't wanna lie, or provide faulty information.  I've worked in too many worlds where accurate demo and psychographic data is crucial.  I'm tryin' my best to be a good person, but now something that promised to take 3 minutes of my life is racking up significantly more time that I'm never getting back.  Ugh. 

Speaking of taking too much time, I used to have a car that had a warning label on it's visor that said:  "Caution see other side".  Sadly, I once spent what can only be described as an inordinate fuckin' amount of time flipping my visor back and forth.  And back and forth. (And sadly, back and fuckin' forth) until I realized it intended for me to see the other visor. 


I like to think although many signs point to yes I'm not a complete moron.  I mean, one of my favorite words is fiduciary.  Does Korky even know the word fiduciary?  But in my "moments" it seems my options are either hope that some major pharma company discovers the next big we-gotta-fix-it pill for the fictitious tooliteralisim, or movin' into that Down's neighborhood.  (...On second thought, that might not be too bad, I can probably run that shit pretty easily, no?...)



krouth said...

Another great post!
The 'Slow kids Playing' sign reminded me of an old joke my Dad used to tell every single time he'd drive by one:

Q: You know what 'Slow Kids Playing' grow up to be?
A: 'Slow Men Working'!

BigBrownGirl said...

How have I never heard that?!? Clearly, your Dad was a true (and funny) sage! I love it and might be, oh, who am I kiddin', *will* be stealing. ;D Thanks!!

jamiessmiles said...

Big Easy Brides, I think your show would be more interesting. I would so watch that drama unfold.

Rae said...

Great, funny post- I can relate!

BigBrownGirl said...

@Jamie~ Now that I think about it, I might too! (TV programers and developers, here I am.)

@Rae~ Thanks for not letting me suffer from tooliteralism alone. There is power in numbers! :-P

dirtycowgirl said...

I always struggle with those questions where you have to rate something on a scale between being 'very like me' or 'not at all like me'.

Because it depends....
No wonder the results are often not at all like me.

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