Granted, there are a lot of things I don't understand in life. The sheer volume of things I am completely ignorant about is substantial, including, but not limited to:
large positive but that aren't actual lies'.
I guess, ultimately I don't fundamentally understand two things about the big (sorry, no pun intended) deal of the subject. I) The seemingly compulsive need to get a status update from everyone who sees it on their feelings of its size, or Dos) how, even at middle age, it's still somehow a subjectyou still haven't come to terms with worthy of some kinda uncomfortable discussion.
I guess I can't speak for all girls, but I'm equally as confident that I do not just speak for myself here; Penis' unless they are crazy ass small or crazy ass big, just are. Don't get me wrong, we heart them, we just aren't obsessed about matters of length and girth.
We're girls for fucks sake. If we can't hold our own hand out and guesstimate with any sort of accuracy of how many inches it is, then what makes a guy think that our vagina has the magical properties to discern the difference between 6.75" vs 7.25"?
Like I say, we're gonna notice a micro-cock. And for some this will mean that they will immediately disengage themselves from thediscovery moment situation, go directly to the bathroom and return with a Meryl Steepesque deliverance of the following line; "Drats! I've started my period." (Apologies to a blond, blue eyed, dreadlocked, ska band dude from a million years ago.) Perhaps it makes me a bad person, but a lie period fakery seemed like a far better option than any kindly delivered version of the truth I could come up with at the time, and while I didn't know what to say, I knew where it was time to be. A: Somewhere else. Far, far away from the land of Ohhellzno...
Conversely, we're gonnaworship notice a monster cock. (tee hee hee...Monster cock. All of the sudden I think I should alert the Monster drink people that I think I can be a verrrry helpful addition to their marketing team. Feel free to email me to discuss my salary requirements: thebigbrowngirl@hotmail.com)
A monster johnson is indeed a special kinda blessing. But it's like gossamer, the Loch Ness monster and Arsenio Hall. Hardly seen. Well, I guess maybe I shouldn't say "hardly seen" when referencing Biggie Smalls. (<-- Code name: He's about 5' 7". But he was born with the schlong of an NBA-er. And not Spud. We're talkin' full on Shaq territory here.) Everyonewith good reason has seen his cock. I've been seeing that cock for 20+ years. I've seen it because we used to get it on back in the day. (Fine. And more recently, so what's that make it, back in the hour?) And when I say everyone, I mean e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e:
...LB2'd has seen it.
...I've seen him drop trow more times in public than my abacus will allow me to figure.
...Once a coworker who had a part time job at a concert venue who I told Biggie Smalls to find and say hello to as he saw the whatever show, returned to work the following morning to report that she'd seen his junk.
Biggie Smalls is fully aware that he has nothing to worry about size wise. The only thing he has to worry about is how he's gonna explain the public indecency charge he's bound to rack up some day, but whateves.
Most guys aren't as unfortunate as ska dude, nor as fortunate as Biggie Smalls.
Most guys are The Other 69%:
As you can see, most guys fall within the parameters of perfectly acceptable. (Also known as "regular", "fuckable", "normal" and "you are here".) Study this. Know this. Accept this.
There is no shame being in The Other 69%.
It's the sweet spot. You can get laid, but you nobody's bothering you with pesky plaster casting sessions, or giving you nicknames like 'The Hedgehog' (unfamiliar? - click here).
So men, here's the deal. This is what you need to know about penis size~
Asking us about your penis offers up waaaaay too many opportunities for your girl to hurt your feelings. Or lie. How are either of those good for you? The truth is that if we've been with more than two guys, we've probably seen bigger. Now, you don't reeeally want us to say that do ya? On the other hand, do you want to be with a fibber who tells you that you're walkin' around with God's gift between your inseams? It puts us between a rock and (clears throat) a hard place.
Realize that "bigger" might keep us there and happy until breakfast, but "regular" combined with other factors (personality, compatability, etc.) can keep us happy for life. And I don't know a girl who'd trade great until breakfast, for good for life.
Accept this as a read between the lines thing. Q: Do you know when I have a, 'so you're ok with me being a big, brown girl' chat with a guy? A: Never. Why? 'Cause if they're calling me, kissin' me, or roundin' third and headin' for home (Apologies Joe Nuxhall) I can read between the lines enough to know that he at least likes this big, brown girl. Good enough. No awkward conversation needed. Listen, if we've spied it and didn't flee the scene, what you're packin' is workin' for us. Can't that be good enough?
The size convo never comes off as confident. At best it's needy. At worst it's compliment fishing. It's the 'does this make my ass look fat' of men.
Confidence adds an inch.
Knowin' how to most effectively use what your maker gave ya adds 2". ...But that's a post for a different day.
In the meantime, say it loud, say it proud: I AM THE OTHER 69%!
- How metrics work.
- Why people like soccer.
- If Pi Day should accurately be celebrated on March 14th, or June the 28th.
- How people can eat carrot cake.
- Why I can't get a moonburn.
- How we have culturally gotten to a place where "reality star" is an actual thing.
- How jake brakes really function.
- Why guys always have to inquire about penis size.
I guess, ultimately I don't fundamentally understand two things about the big (sorry, no pun intended) deal of the subject. I) The seemingly compulsive need to get a status update from everyone who sees it on their feelings of its size, or Dos) how, even at middle age, it's still somehow a subject
I guess I can't speak for all girls, but I'm equally as confident that I do not just speak for myself here; Penis' unless they are crazy ass small or crazy ass big, just are. Don't get me wrong, we heart them, we just aren't obsessed about matters of length and girth.
We're girls for fucks sake. If we can't hold our own hand out and guesstimate with any sort of accuracy of how many inches it is, then what makes a guy think that our vagina has the magical properties to discern the difference between 6.75" vs 7.25"?
Like I say, we're gonna notice a micro-cock. And for some this will mean that they will immediately disengage themselves from the
Conversely, we're gonna
A monster johnson is indeed a special kinda blessing. But it's like gossamer, the Loch Ness monster and Arsenio Hall. Hardly seen. Well, I guess maybe I shouldn't say "hardly seen" when referencing Biggie Smalls. (<-- Code name: He's about 5' 7". But he was born with the schlong of an NBA-er. And not Spud. We're talkin' full on Shaq territory here.) Everyone
...LB2'd has seen it.
...I've seen him drop trow more times in public than my abacus will allow me to figure.
...Once a coworker who had a part time job at a concert venue who I told Biggie Smalls to find and say hello to as he saw the whatever show, returned to work the following morning to report that she'd seen his junk.
Biggie Smalls is fully aware that he has nothing to worry about size wise. The only thing he has to worry about is how he's gonna explain the public indecency charge he's bound to rack up some day, but whateves.
Most guys aren't as unfortunate as ska dude, nor as fortunate as Biggie Smalls.
Most guys are The Other 69%:
(The Penis Spectrum)
As you can see, most guys fall within the parameters of perfectly acceptable. (Also known as "regular", "fuckable", "normal" and "you are here".) Study this. Know this. Accept this.
There is no shame being in The Other 69%.
It's the sweet spot. You can get laid, but you nobody's bothering you with pesky plaster casting sessions, or giving you nicknames like 'The Hedgehog' (unfamiliar? - click here).
So men, here's the deal. This is what you need to know about penis size~
Asking us about your penis offers up waaaaay too many opportunities for your girl to hurt your feelings. Or lie. How are either of those good for you? The truth is that if we've been with more than two guys, we've probably seen bigger. Now, you don't reeeally want us to say that do ya? On the other hand, do you want to be with a fibber who tells you that you're walkin' around with God's gift between your inseams? It puts us between a rock and (clears throat) a hard place.
Realize that "bigger" might keep us there and happy until breakfast, but "regular" combined with other factors (personality, compatability, etc.) can keep us happy for life. And I don't know a girl who'd trade great until breakfast, for good for life.
Accept this as a read between the lines thing. Q: Do you know when I have a, 'so you're ok with me being a big, brown girl' chat with a guy? A: Never. Why? 'Cause if they're calling me, kissin' me, or roundin' third and headin' for home (Apologies Joe Nuxhall) I can read between the lines enough to know that he at least likes this big, brown girl. Good enough. No awkward conversation needed. Listen, if we've spied it and didn't flee the scene, what you're packin' is workin' for us. Can't that be good enough?
The size convo never comes off as confident. At best it's needy. At worst it's compliment fishing. It's the 'does this make my ass look fat' of men.
Confidence adds an inch.
Knowin' how to most effectively use what your maker gave ya adds 2". ...But that's a post for a different day.
In the meantime, say it loud, say it proud: I AM THE OTHER 69%!
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8 comments:
LOL. That was funny. I always have the attitude "no gasps of awe nor shrieks of laughter so I guess nothing to complain about.
Thanks for keeping it real girl!
You had me at, We're girls for fucks sake. If we can't hold our own hand out and guesstimate with any sort of accuracy of how many inches it is, then what makes a guy think that our vagina has the magical properties to discern the difference between 6.75" vs 7.25"? Priceless!!
AT
What about the English invent football championship?
Amen!
@Jamie~ Exxxxactly. Spread the word, will ya?!?
@Anon1~ Thanks!
Keepin' it real since birth. ;D
@Anon2~ Hummm. My stance on soccer: http://bigbrowngirlworld.blogspot.com/search?q=world+cup God save the Queen, though.
@Anon3~ Merci.
Hahahaha
SOOO well said.
And yet they all will still continue to ask, or at least wonder in silence.
ps I think I might've met a few relatives of the dreadlocked guy...
Greetings DCG! Hehehe, unfortunately, I suspect you're right. But at least now I can just roll my eyes and direct them to this post. Maybe I'll print some handout cards?
P.S. I'm TRES sorry to hear that.
Not as sorry as I was.
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