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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

~Hobbies

I don't get 'em.

I don't have any.

I actually Googled "hobbies" to see if maybe secretly I had a hobby:

(Some random persons list 'o hobbies)

It isn't that I haven't done some of these tasks.  But I don't know that 'carpentry', even though I once made a kick ass table (click to see) with the sheer self delusional belief that I could, as I'd seen them make tables on HGTV, a trip to Lowes and my novice hands, or 'sewing' a pair of curtains 1x, although they are faaaaabulous curtains, or the fact that I haven't allowed myself to starve to death through 'cooking', constitute BBG hobbies?   

I know people who have them.

But I gotta tell ya, none of them are things I'd want to devote more than a maximum of :60 minutes to, life time cumulatively.

I hate when people ask me if I have a hobby.  (Hello.  My name is BBG and I have H.I.P/hobby inquisition phobia.)  It always makes me feel like a freak that I don't have one.  Like they'll be making some sorta meaningful mental evaluation or stern judgement about me based on that fact.  "...I always thought she was a lil' weird.  Do you know she doesn't even have any hobbies?!?  I've never really felt that way when people ask if I have a husband or children.  I suppose society wants me to feel about those things too, but I don't.  Suck itI mean, at least I have an answer/explanation for those.

Sure I've never been married.  ...But I've never been divorced.  And it's hardly like I've lived some spinster-esque existence.  I've had love several times in my BBG life, relationships that have been interesting, fun and have taught me lots about guys and myself.  My life has been/is full and rich.  If/when the right guy comes along, super, I'm down.  But I've never had to be miserable, for any length of time, with the person who is supposed to be your long haul good stuff person.  On the contrary I know plenty 'o people who wore a big white dress (dressed in a monkey suit), stood up in front of God and family, made a vow and then spent many years of their together time just fuckin' miserable.  Now, really.  Who deserves your head cock of pity more, those folks, or never been hitched up me?

(And for the Official Record, my problem with d-i-v-o-r-c-e?  Nuthin'.  Sometimes, for a plethora of reasons shit doesn't work out.  Your fault.  Their fault.  Marriages not working, I mean, unless it's like, 'and I married this girl and we got divorced 'cause I have to rub cake icing all over my body and have ferrets lick it off before I can orgasm', or 'I used to be a be an actual axe murder'-- then for sure, that's a problem, but for regular run of the mill reasons?  Well, those just happen.  To the best of folks, with the best of intentions, having made the best of decisions at the time.  For the most part, I say good for you(!) for knowing when to say when.  Being miserable and unhappy, creating more opportunities to come to resent each other, living in turmoil, etc., is not healthy/good for ya.  And it certainly isn't anything good or healthy if kids are involved.  So my problem?  Zero.  With that said, I'm not a, "yes!!  Totally, you should get divorced!  It'll be grrrrreat!, kinda girl either.)

As for kiddies?  Yes, I always assumed I would have them and be a mom.  But here I am, and I don't.  I never really felt being a single mom could be the best thing for my kid.  (Again, my problem with single parents?  None.  But let's face it, of all of the people you know I'm the last person who ought to have sole responsibility for anything/one.  I'm barely keepin' this and sweet ol' 15 lb. Uncle John alive.  Of course, this self awareness doesn't keep me for a nanodamnsecond from always being hopeful cognizant that thinking this surely contributes to why I'm probably goin' to hell only a scant few people haveta die before I can get my hands on my Godkidz.)  I love kids.  Kids love going to sleep on my boobs me.  I'm adapting.  (<--  As we all must do, or be bitter with our todays.)  I never have to miss doin' sumthin' I wanna do because somebody has a snotty nose, I never have to be embarrassed at the store because a person weighing 29 lbs. is having a tantrum whilst all of the other patrons give me the; they all think they would be handing it better than me/do sumtin' with your fuckin' kid glance of disdain.  Or, ya know, shell out the $235K (not including college - click) to keep one alive, entertained and fully dressed until adulthood.

(Yes.  I digress.  And...?)

Given my non-anxiety addressment of those kinda questions, it seems odd, even to me, how a lack of a dusty ass every available assortment of Precious Moment figurines, not givin' a shit 'bout bird watching, thinkin' it's good enough that my picture file on the computer is an adequate (inappropriate air quotes here) scrapbook, can totally unnerve my non-hobby havin' self. 

I never have an answer. 

I always feel panic-y about it. 

I, apparently am too stupid to come up with a lie to tell. (IDIOT!!  Big, brown IDIOT!!)

I like to do a lot of things.  And I've done a ton of what many folks would probably say;  '...Now that's some cracked out shit, who does this/has this happen/observes such amazeshit?'  Answer:  Me.   

~An old lady, I mean one foot in the grave old, was shufflin' by me as she left the restaurant with her family lookin' people, and as she passed me she randomly grabbed my head, twisted it up with a surprising amount of ol' lady strength and made an aggressive attempt to kiss me on the lips. 

~I've played pool with Tears for Fears.  (Yeah.  It was kinda kooky and trippy.  I'll tell you about it later.)

(Yes.  Those Tears for Fears.)

~I've commandeered commanded the controls of a big ass, commercial grade paddle boat along the mighty Ohio River, with a full dinner cruise load of humans.  No.  For the Official Record, I do not have a maritime drivers license of any kind.  In fact, it was the very first time I'd ever captained driven a boat.  (<-- Although, he/the Captain, did try, numerous times to insist that I refer it it as a 'ship'. --Seriously?  Once we're breaking, I donno?  26 maritime laws, what the big deal about what I'm callin', it, right?)

~I have roller skates (we're talkin' white to the ankle, lace up, ol' school roller skates.  ...Word.), a yo-yo, a cotton candy machine and a hula hoop.  So between those, DVR, phone, interweb and Uncle John, I have a lot of ridiculous things to keep me occupied within the four walls of BBG HQ. 

Like I say, I know people who have hobbies, but nuthin' comes to mind when I consider any thing or things I'd find pleasure in repeating over and over again.  As I understand it you can't really make sex a habit without running the risk of getting a STD being sent to rehab with Tiger and that David Duchovny.  So that's out as a hobby.  Plus, I guess you really can't answer with that when making small talk with strangers/bidness peeps/etc.  At least you can't and not have them think you're a freak... which IS what I'm tryin' to avoid here.

I didn't even have hobbies as a kid.  Sure I did some shit;  played softball, hated taking took piano lessons, hated taking tennis lessons, hooked rugs.  Was in S.A.D.D.  (HA!! BBG Confession:  I was never in Students Against Drunk Driving!  Of course, that wee fact didn't keep it from being printed for all of posterity in my senior H.S. year book that I was in S.A.D.D.  A) I don't actually believe our school even had a chapter of S.A.D.D. and  2) I was more of a, 'sooooo we'll put our Bartles & James in these Dairy Queen cups and drive around until we see/do/find something interesting' kinda girl.)  But they were all pretty fleeting endeavors.  And nuthin' during the whole adult period of my life gives me any indication that things would be any different today becoming a master rug hooker, taking tap dancing lessons or learning the bagpipes.  (<-- Yes.  All things I've considered picking up as hobbies.)

(The perks and fun of being on Yearbook Committee.)


My hobby is my life. 

It's the only thing that randomly and inexplicably consistently brings me joy and entertainment in large enough quantities that I feel good about devoting my me time to.   I'm not sure admitting such, out loud is acceptable in a lot of people's estimation.  So, while I'm usually a pretty honest person, I think the time for fibbin' is here. 

I'm currently accepting suggestions for what I can/should say the next time I'm interrogated asked about my BBG hobbies.  My only criteria is that it be something that is easily explained or that I might be able to hold a reasonable discussion about while simultaneously being totally ignorant of, and that when I've finished lying about answering the person I'm tellin' leaves thinking, 'how 'bout that' (& perhaps shaking their head in surprise).  --All suggestions will be strongly and fully taken under BBG advisement and consideration.  (GOLD STARS will be awarded on merit, creativity and fanfuckin'tasticness.)

I desperate to stop feeling like a non-hobbied freak!   

Won't you help a BBG out? (random Seinfeld reference shout out...  The first person to name the episode gets a GOLD STAR!)


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3 comments:

jamiessmiles said...

Taxidermy, has the added bonus of freaking people out when you offer them lotion for their dry skin.

BigBrownGirl said...

...I have always been a fan of the line, "it puts the lotion on its skin."

Gold Star Jamie!

jamiessmiles said...

Haha, I was hoping you would get the reference;)

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