~I've Never Married...And?!?

There's always a reaction when words form and fall out of your mouth assuming you're not sayin' them alone and in the woods.

Honestly, I try to be cognizant of this as I speak.  (I know.  That's hard for some of you to believe.  Please note:  I did NOT say I am always successful at it when I speak.  Also, suck it.)   Sure, sometimes I totally say shit in a certain way to maximize my personal entertainment. 

...But really, '99.44% of home deaths happen in the bathroom and I was almost one of 'em this morning' is far more exciting of a story kickoff than, 'soooo, I almost slipped in the shower', ya know?  (To those of you who don't know-know me:  I'd imagine that seems like perhaps the inner workin's of a drama queen, but people who do know-know me are well aware that A) I'd probably never mention anything of supreme 
importance [...unless there was no other alternative] and II) I tend to be a reverse exaggerator.  I'm far more likely to downplay things that many would pad or bulk up and make less of a deal about big type stuff.  Generally, when I make sumthin' big everybody knows it's really some stupid ass minutiae.  Yes.  I am weird.  Moving on...) 

If "you've got small balls", "you shouldn't have left your paddy waggon alone with the engine running" and "I have love in my heart for you too" have taught me anything (um, yeah, those happened) it's that a string of words have the ability to cause quite a stir.  Even when it's a non-accurate slip of the tongue, totally true or the best you can do and don't wanna be the kinda person who would lie about love, words create reactions.   With, obviously, a pretty expansive repertoire of reactions to words coming out of my mouth, I still find the reaction to my answer when asked if I've ever been married jarring.

(Only slightly exaggerated)

 

For reasons I'm not entirely sure of, "no, I've never been married" consistently congers up the most befuddled looks and assy subsequent comments. 

I often wonder why that tends to be met with the same reaction as if I'd uttered, 'I mean...so, yeah, I'd like to fuck an albino midget-- sorry, pigmentally challenged dwarf of diminutive stature', or told them that their child is ugly. 

 

Even with all of these years of practice I really never know what to say once I've-never-been-married is 'out there'.   Usually because I'm an asshole I say, "...But, I've also never been divorced."

(The Official BBG Stance On Divorce:  I don't think it's anything to aspire to.  I think once you've made a commitment like that you fuckin' fight like hell to preserve it, especially if little  ones are involved [kids, not pigmentally challenged wee people].  I also think no one knows what really goes on between a couple other than that twosome.  And that shit happens. That sometimes the shit that happens is unbearable/
unacceptable to one or both parties and that there comes a point where a decision made in the past that has turned out to be a bad or unfixable one shouldn't dictate all of the rest of your days.  If you've tried, really tried, at a certain point I don't think anyone should be expected to continue hitting their head against a brick wall, and on that level have zero problem with it.  I think nothing less of someone who has been divorced.)

Of course, being a never-been-married-er (from here on out known as NBM-er) I also think nothing less of someone who is, as I like to frame it, a successful singleton. 

Given the uber present reaction I get when I say that I haven't other than prom sported a big white dress, I get the impression that many think NBM-er's (especially chick NBM-er's) is synonymous with not being able to get married.  That it's a sign of so many flaws that there literally isn't one single lid for your pot.  Of course being flawless knowing many other successful singletons, I know that most of them are just regular delightful, kickass people who's third finger on their left hand is bare.  I'd be lyin' if I said none of them are bat shit crazy, but I assure you I know an assload of bat shit crazy married/divorced people too.  Honestly, some of the NBM-er's in my circle of friends are some of the least fucked up folks I know.  Fucked up usually desires an audience/victim. 

The reasons for NBM-er's being single are as varied as the number of NBM-er's out there (28% of Americans are NBM-ers), so I can only speak for myself and my own experiences with being an NBM-er.  As a public service I can clear up a few myths of the NBM:


No.  It isn't awful lonely.  What's awful lonely is sleeping beside someone who you've grown (even temporarily) to despise avoiding touching each other, or riding in a car in silence with the person legally tied to you who you feel completely disconnected from.  Lonely is waiting for your spouse who didn't have the respect to call you to tell you they'd be 2 hours late, but knowing tardiness isn't a legal reason for separation.  Am I alone sometimes?  Yep.  (When I'm not dating or in a relationship) But alone isn't necessarily lonely.  When I'm alone I get to do exactly whateverthefuck I choose to involve myself in.  With anyone I choose.  Any time I choose.   With no discussion or debate.  Total autonomy isn't lonely.  It's footloose and fancy free.  In fact, the majority of the time it's pretty fuckin' awesome. 

No.  I'm not too picky.   There's a difference between, 'and can you believe he had the audacity to wear orange', and 'he doesn't add enough to my life (I don't mean money, I mean, fun/love/adventure/substance, etc.) vs. shit (everyones bag of shit; moodiness/stupidity/baggage/
negative habits, etc.) ratio, to invest the rest of my days in'.  My expectations out of a guy aren't too high.  Smart, thoughtful and kind, funny, taller than me, tolerant, are really my only hard and fast must haves, leaving a lotta room for negotiable and comprimiseable.  None of which I consider 'too picky'.  Frankly, I think too many marrieds aren't (weren't) picky enough, but I'm polite enough not to call your ass out on your personal life decisions for sport at a party.  

-No.  I'm not afraid of marriage.  A) No one is afraid of marriage.  I am vigilant in being cautious about marrying the 'wrong' person and ending up in a bad marriage.  And with the national divorce rates continuing to hover at 50% that doesn't seem like an unreasonable thing to be cognizant of as one decides who stays and goes in their life.  I am open to and keep my peepers peeled for someone capable of earning that level of commitment, and if he wants to put a ring on it, I'm down.  I don't however, subscribe to the thinking that marriage is the thing that makes you (or a life) complete.  Being happy and contented with yourself, being good to those around you and actually livin' your life in real time is the pinnacle of what makes a (life) complete.  It strikes me as odd that you (we all) know plenty of people who don't have any of that figured out who have walked down the isle and are magically given the benefit of the doubt that they are the together ones?   Meanwhile, I'm the one you think is a kook?

-No.  I don't led a celibate existence.  (Nor am I waking up next to a guy who's name I don't know every weekend.)  I spent 
8 months with this guy this year.  Because I'm kinda fuckin' awesome I'm not prone to long bouts of forced singledom.    I keep a roster of break glass in case of emergency options for times when I'm not in a relationship.  Not exactly a Samantha Jones life, but also not lil' Miss Notgettinany either. 


No.  I don't have a 27 cats.  BBG HQ is both a feline and doily free zone.  There is one dog.  I am his person/owner.  He is not my 'baby'.

No.  I don't feel bad (awkward, loser-y, etc.) for *still* being single.  I'm a cool ass chick who any guy would be lucky to spend time with.  It just so happens 'any guy' is not enough of a qualification to make me retire my NBM status.  That isn't something to pity, it's something to be impressed by.  It's called not settling.  I'm proud of it.  It means I'm strong enough to be true to me, even in the face of societal expectations, and reactions and comments overtly and subtly letting me know that I have, in their estimation, failed at meeting and am being judged as a lil' less than because of it. 

It's funny that for all of the talk of the sancity of marriage, that someone who makes decisions to truly honor that, by not just doin' it, is the one who's looked at sideways.  That somehow, we've come to a place in time where it's more palatable for someone to have, for whatever reason, rescinded a vow than to be someone who's been savvy enough, again, for whatever reason, to have avoided putting themselves in the same position.  Maybe next time I say, "No, I've never been married", you'll just say 'lucky/smart girl.'  But I'm not holding my breath. 

~I've Never Married...And?!?