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Monday, September 23, 2013

Emmy's 2013: Sooooo There's *That*.


Dear Emmy Choreographers,

Whilst flip floppin' and channel hoppin' last night I stumbled across your interpretive dance shindig-ery to honor the nominees.

It's true that dance is perhaps my least favorite form of self expression-y.


Rounding out my Official Talent That SUCKS List:
(In no particular order)
Poetry
Dance
Magic

And while I am somewhat reticent to be critical of something I admittedly have a predisposition to hating, it seems someone should probably mention this to you for future consideration. Um... (deep BBG breath)  
 
Ok.  Clearly, I recognize, and am minimally familiar with the show (FX's American Horror Story) enough to know that those were dancin' nuns.
 
(See min. 3:21)





Rounding out my Official Favorite Types of Nuns List:
(In no particular order)
Teaching
Nursing
Flying
 
However, it should be noted that no matter what they're supposed to be, brown people viewers are not given a peaceful easy fiuckin' feelin' by lookin' up at the tv screen and seein' people donning white 800 thread count hood-y/mask-y attire.  Even when they're dancing and there's not an actual burning cross involved.  True story.  You're welcome.

Love,
~BBG


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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

It's Sweet. And It's Salty. And It *Shouldn't* Be A Real Thing.

I've never been known for my sound nutritional decisions.  (Please note:  This isn't called 'Big' Brown Girl World just because I'm tall.)  Over the years much to my Mother's chagrin many sketchy things have constituted a 'meal' at BBG HQ.  I'm not proud of the fact that popcorn is somewhat routinely dinner, or that I've had pudding for breakfast.  It's a good source of calcium.  Suck it.  Or that even when I'm attempting to put decent fuel in I seem to only have the patience to make one item.  Beef, it's what's for dinner...  but it's all there is for dinner.  Another day may have cob as the mealtime choice.  Or tomatoes.  Or Chex Mix.  Or a big ass slice of ice cream cake...  

Admittedly, if given an opportunity the Surgeon General would punch me in the uterus over my inability to comply with the food pyramid so uber present in my youth:

(New Food Pyramid here)

In fairness, when someone else is involved I am happy not too put out to create an entire (read:  reasonable) meal for us.  Salad, protein, side(s).  ...I know how.  It's just work I'm not willing to do for one.   When left to my own devices it's all about ease and laziness convenience, and what sounds most appealing at the moment.

...Which is exxxxactly how a million years ago I ended up settling on chips and salsa and Oreo's as an evening meal. 

If I'm bein' truthy with ya, I'm pretty sure this my have been a sustenance selection motivated by a few cocktails.  I remember chatting on the phone later with my friend, Somp, and it going sumthin' like this:

     BBG:    I feel oogily and boogily.
    Somp:  Why?  Are you coming down with something?
     BBG:    No, but apparently, chips, salsa and Oreo's aren't a great combination.
    Somp:  Well, no.  I wouldn't think they would be.
     BBG:    ...Then I wish we'd had this fuckin' conversation before I ate 'em.

I still remember how queasy I felt.

Over the years, 'chips, salsa and Oreo's' have morphed into an a running joke with folks who were told this ridiculous ass tale back in the day.  Even these days It wouldn't be unusual to ask someone else at the table what they are lookin' at on the menu only to have them deadpan, 'I'm considering the chips, salsa and Oreo's", followed by cackling and mocking laughter.  Or having someone tell me that something they ate didn't agree with them only to have them qualify it with an assy, "but not as bad as eatin' chips, salsa and Oreo's." 

It seems everyone I've mentioned this to has found the concept of chips, salsa and Oreo's to be thoroughly a bat shit crazy one.   

So imagine my surprise when I received a text over the weekend from Somp with a photo she took whilst she was grocery shopping on the other side of the country:




Dear Lunchables,
I wished you had given me a jingle anytime since, oh, the mid-'90's.  Being from an area highly valued for our run-of-the-mill-ness and sight of many national chain food test market experiments, ( --Oh how I fought for you, McPizza!)  I gladly would have told you that your latest combo isn't going to be the rousing success you might be hoping for.  "Oogily and boogily" are generally not words associated with banner sales, but ya didn't so good luck with that.
Love,
~BBG


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