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Thursday, October 10, 2013

~I'm NOT A Bitch. But I *Can* Be...

I try to be a nice person.  A decent human being. 

I don't wake up lookin' to start some shit or hurt someone's feelings be a bitch.  But sometimes it happens.  Yesterday was one of those times.

...There I am, just a girl in the world drivin' my big ass American made, gas guzzlin', four-wheel drive ride.  I had just dropped my Mom off at the door and was on a quest for a parking space.  Windows were down, sun was shining, I was duet-ing with the country song that I had cranked waaaay too high to be considered socially acceptable for a girl of my advanced years.  Short version: (too late?) All was good in my proverbial BBG 'hood.

Festive boot.  (Should I bedazzle it?)
As, A)  I'm lazy.  And 2) I'm currently hobblin' my ass around on a festive boot,  thanks, stress fracture I mentally called dibs on the closest spot I came across.  Now a few minutes earlier I'd made note of the fact that the lanes in the parking lot were, um, I think the technical classification is;  ridiculously fucking narrow.  Granted, my knowledge of, and expertise in parking lot lay out management is precisely zero.  But I do know that everyone doesn't drive a SmartCar.  Whateves.

BBG Confession:
I am a back-er in-er when I park.  While I can't put my hand on a bible and swear that I always back into a space and that I never front in in a court of law without causing my pants to spontaneously combust into flames, anyone who knows me would be pretty hard pressed to come up with a time that I pulled into a space.  I know.  I'm weird.  Is that reeeeeally a surprise?  I feel, when it's time to go?  It's.  Time.  To.  Go.   Boom!  Ass in seat, key in ignition, foot on go peddle.  I'm out.

...Soooooo.  I see that the car that is on the far side of the space I want has not pulled completely into its space and is hanging out by several feet.  Now, because I am such a frequent and well practiced back-er up-er I recognize that there is little chance I will be able to get into the space in one shot, and that backing into this space before another car comes down the fairly busy parking lot lane and then I'm the problem is unlikely.  But, again.  ..."As A) I'm lazy.  And 2) I'm currently hobblin' my ass around on a festive boot," (aka:  not lookin' to gimp any greater distance than necessary) I'm sure as shit gonna give it a whirl. 

Pretty shitty diagram of the parking sitch.


Of course, two things: 
- A ride my size cannot make the maneuver on the first attempt without clippin' either the car in the adjacent row or the vehicle that is thiiiiiis close to bein' in the middle of the lane (henceforth known as *That Ass*).

- The moment I try to back up a car falls in behind me in the lane.

Now, left to my own devices I'd have inch by fuckin' inch, D - R - D - R - D - R'd my whip into that space on general principal if it took me all damn day, I'm that girl.  However, I'm not the girl who would have someone else spending their time and daily allotment of patience waitin' on my ass tryin' to score a close spot.  Since I don't make it on the first go, and there was now a car behind me, I put my big girl panties on and move on to the next available space, hop out and start to head towards the building.

As I'm walking by That Ass behind the wheel just sittin' there doin' whatthefuckever dumbasses who can't park properly do when they've accomplished bein' inconsiderate, I glance glare over to her.

Honestly?  (BBGSoapbox Alert!)  Our society works best when we adhere to certain social constructs, mainly covered by The Golden Rule, and when we break the social contract there should be a bit of scorn sent our way as a reminder and/or indicator that that's (whatever the offense) not fuckin' acceptable.  So, yeah, I totally tossed the driver a (IMO, deserved) hard look.

Then.

Then!

This happens:

That Ass (aka: someone who shoulda kept their fuckin' mouth shut) Couldn't get it in? 

(Immediately and completely pissed the fuck off) BBG:  No.  ...Had your car been pulled fully into its space it wouldn't have been a problem.

That Ass:  You should have said something...

BBG:  I didn't know I was in charge of ensuring people knew how to park their cars correctly.  ([Incensed and indignantly] Hobbles Walks on.)

Not That Ass's vehicle, but another (red circle) fine example of inconsiderate and asshole-y parking.  The green circle is approximately where my side mirror is properly (read: fuckin' fully) positioned in space. 
 
Yep.  It's like this and like that, y'all.

While I had noooooo intention of bein' a bitch.  There.  I.  Was.  When people stop bein' asses I'll mostly stop bein' bitchy.  ...But I'm not exactly holdin' my breath.  You shouldn't either.

Hope you're having a bitch free day, Big Brown Girl World-ers!  And that you secure a close spot.


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