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Thursday, December 19, 2013

~ Gift Ideas (aka: These Exist III)

My last position when I worked at a hotel (a million years ago) was as concierge.  It was a perfect fit for someone who knows shit.  Notice that I didn't say I know useful shit.  In fact, it's fair to say that most of the details being housed in my gray matter fall into the realm of random.  Perfectly useless.  ...Ya know, until some situation pops up that makes a weird lil' (useless) tidbit I've had tucked away something that could help you out.   And lets face it, who couldn't use a some gift help this time of year?  (No tip necessary) 

I'm a big fan of a multi-taskin' tool which is exxxxactly what caught my fancy with this man gift.  A collar stay that allows a guy to fix a lil' sumthin'-sumthin', open my beer perhaps pop a adversary's eye out if necessary and keeps him lookin' classy.  Seriously?  What's not to like?  Titanium Collar Stays



If you're searching for the perfect gift that says, 'I'm a narcissistic asshole', then kidz, I gotcha alllll taken care of.  I'm not sure a present to another person is supposed to imply that you think somehow their life can be improved by having a you doll?  With that said?  And in, what may indicate I'm a bad person I am fucking obsessed with having a lil' BBG doll.  A tiara?  A dumbass smile?  Big hooters?  ...Oh, hellz yes.  I feel like Uncle John (my cute ass dog) would immediately plunder for stuffing and gnaw off my appendages like to be in charge of me for a change.  Build Your Own Doll


In celebration of several states going all weed legal 'n all, and for those of you still scratchin' your head for a gift for your favorite pothead I'm pleased to present Cannabis Scented Incense 

I'm hopeful that next year the inventors of that ubiquitous (if you've been on YouTube recently) poo spray (in case you haven't seen it) will be marketing poo spray that smells like a roadside portapotty! 

In other, I'm-amused-by-things-that-are-what-they-are-items news.  Or as I like to think of 'em as-- fantastic clusterfucks of irony, is a gift that is mind-blowingly spectacular.  Nay.  Boobtacular.  While I've never owned a pastie, I can't conceive of a better pasties than an actual nip pastie.   And I can't imagine what girl wouldn't love the ability to hide her nipples by displaying anatomically correct fake felt nips?   Nipple Nipple Pasties 


For the glug-glug-ers on your list I like a gift that monitors and alerts the recipient that they are taking too long to get tipsy.  A great gift for anyone on your list that makes you think, 'ya know, I like (insert name here) better when s/he's got a lil' booze on board'.  Problem solved.  You're welcome.  Wine Glasses w/ 10 Minute Stem Timer  


 
 
Another alcoholcentric gift that caught my attention is a new incarnation of something I highlighted way back in the 2011 Gif Ideas (aka: These Exist II) when I included the big ass flask.  At the time it was the most fantastic flask I'd ever laid eyes on, with it's 64 oz. holdin' stainless steel confines.  But this year I discovered a bigger ass'd flask.  This 128 oz. giant ass flask is an item any drinker and ol' school Honey I Shrunk the Kids-er would certainly love to glug.  Giant Ass Flask 


 
  
It used to be there were boat people and non-boat people.  But now there's a third option.  A killer option.  Behold the Killer Wale Submarine for only $90,000 you could give someone the gift of free range poseidon-ing. 
 

 
Check again.  That's a submarine.
If your sense of adventure runs a lil' more land based, or your bank account isn't gonna cover a $90k nut gotcha covered on that one too.  Next time you tell someone you 'love them to the moon and back', you could literally show them the exact spot.  For under $30 you can get in on a piece of moon, baby.  (Please note;  'Getting' in on a piece of moon' is not a euphemism, nor is it the same as mooning, which we all know is a gift you can give for free.).   Lunar Land
 

While I can't fathom when a bubble wrap suit would actually be necessary?  I can't exactly say I think it's a bad idea either.  Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, POP, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, POP, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop...  Bubble Wrap Suit
Wanna bring a lil' culture to the person on your list who has the crafting skills of a 7 year old?   The Latch Hook Rug Mona Lisa Kit is your gift-y problem solver.  In fact, I just solved the what is the BBG winter project is gonna be, problem.
 
Yarn Mona Lisa?  Hellz yeah!
 
I feel like when the apes take over it will be with the help of man's best friend.  (It's entirely possible I dug the Planet of the Apes a lil' too much as a kid.)  Why will our closest animal friends turn on us?  Two words:  Dog Bikini  I know this will not keep some people from thinking aaaaafuckingdorable and making a purchase, so thank you in advance for letting me know that you are that crazy dog person, and that you are in collusion with the apes. 
 
I hope your gift giving just got a lil' weirder easier.
 
 
Related Odd Gift-y Posts:
 
 
 
 
 




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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

~ What You Might Not Know About Driving Behind An SUV

Dear People Who Drive Cars,

Some of you apparently do not realize how you appear to us high riders (SUV's/pickup trucks/vans).  In a car you know someone is tailgating you if, lets say, you can't see the bumper of the car behind you in your rearview mirror.  Unless you are driving a sponsored and logo'd car in a left-er-ly fashion, whilst wearin' a flame retardant suit,  a la NASCAR, drafting tailgating is generally considered a universal no - no, I think we can all agree, no?

And I think everyone is aware of the accommodations they should make around semi's:


Stay out of the shaded areas or things could get shady for you real quick.

But I'm not sure as several times weekly I'm forced to break check some of you bastards that some of you are aware that at a similar distance behind those of us in high riding vehicles that you look even closer because we sit so high that we are looking down at ya from our mirror vantage point.  How close?  I generally don't think twice about you if I can see the tip to the middle of your hood.  Unfortunately, I find all too often that I glance back and find that maaaaaybe I can see where your hood and windshield meet.  That my friends is too damn close.  If all I can see is your steering wheel?  You'd better hope three things:

1)  That you have good breaks on your car.
B)  That you have the reaction time of Flash Gordon.
III)  That your insurance is up to date (and that you aren't getting too close to your point allotment on your drivers license because anytime you hit someone from the rear you are at fault for not keeping a lil' thing called assured clear distance [Ohio Revised Code: Assured Clear Distance]). 

What you look like in the rearview of a car


What you look like in the rearview of an SUV/pickup truck


Tip:   The higher the back window of the vehicle in front of you the farther you need to hang back to avoid making an abrupt acquaintance with my back bumper, higher insurance rates, points deducted from your license, and those pesky, 'it's gonna cost how much to fix my front end?!?' conversations.  True story.
 
 
Listen, I completely understand that it's not your fault that my tailgate height, and trajectory of sight means you need to adjust your driving style behind me.  But in fairness, it's not my fault that you can't see around my ride from your 5" off the pavement view, but I consciously make accommodations to be thoughtful of your perception each time I drift a lil' right in my lane in traffic so that you can have an opportunity to see what's going on in front of me.  See.  It's called bein' courteous.  Which is all I'm askin' from ya.  Be courteous and get the fuck off my ass. 

Love,
~BBG 


Related Posts:

It's Official Dumbass Season Is Upon Us

Dear Dumbass Driver

Driving: My Pet Peeves


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