Showing posts with label Dear.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear.... Show all posts

Thursday, July 7, 2016

~ Dry Brushing

If you're not familiar with dry brushing, you're about to be...

I discovered the practice in this Buzzfeed story I stumbled on and read for, well, no real reason.  Now two things you should know;  1)  I have a terrible lotion ethic (how much so?  Enough that I wrote a post about it.  Lamenting Lotioning 5/15) and I probably only tried this because I already had the only item required.  Basically, if the effort level to try something is zero and it could produce an tangible goodness in my life, I'm willing to give it a whirl.

Now I'm the kid of two police officers;  I'm somewhat skeptical of pretty much everything I'm being led to believe.  While I don't live in Missouri I need to be shown, ya know?  Admittedly my expectation was low on this endeavor.  (...I'm sure this won't make any sorta reeeeeeal difference...)

I was promised soft skin. 

What I got?

Well.  The day after my second episode of dry brushin' I'd already recommended it to a friend.  (If you didn't check the link that I learned from) Here's the drill:
  • Get a brush like this:

  • Brush your limbs (apparently it's important to go from feet/hands up towards your heart.  Reason?  No fuckin' clue, I just followed the directions as they were laid out.)
  • Lotion post shower
  • Live your life and prepare to be consistently shocked by how impressive your epidermis feels

Fact:  Last night I woke up several times during the night.  Each time before getting back to sleep I found myself Jimminie Cricketing my legs together because the level of smoothness was that incredible. 

My friend, LEM's experience/feedback? 

If your skin is of the sensitive variety I wouldn't engage in dry brushing daily.  (I'm a 3x a week-er.) 

Soft 'n smooth skin (better circulation, blah, blah, blah) isn't the only benefit.  I'm one of those sticklers for stubble free gams.  It seems like I'm getting an extra day out of my leg shaving.  Even those last few shaves before it's about time to switch to a fresh blade. 

Dry Brushing:  Do.  It.

Dear Next Week You,
You're welcome.


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

~ Lamenting Lotioning

BBGConfession:  I loathe lotioning.

Pretty much every time I have no choice but to lotion up I find myself thinking, 'it puts the lotion on its skin'.  ( -- James GumbOf course there is a choice.  It's called ashy

When I see advertisements put out by the big moisturizing complex the end user always looks ecstatic over the endeavor.  Meanwhile I just feel a bit bitter.  (Dear Epidermis,  I've already washed and shaved [most of] you.  What the fuck more do you want from me?!?) 

I've tried to make the task as palatable as I can create it.  I've
Sunday @ Nana & Papa's
purchased products that I think are funny.  ...Oh?  You're cocoa scent-y?  A brown girl smellin' like a chocolate bean? HA.  Sold.  Or sentimental.  (Chime-y flashback music)  When I was a Little Brown Girl (LBG) I lived one house away from my Nana and Papa.  I'm just realizing I'm probably the only person I know who grew up with two bedrooms spread over half a block.  I could be either place at any time.  But Sunday evenings I liked to take my bath at Nana and Papa's.  It was a whole thing y'all.  Looking back it was like being at a kid spa.  Nana would git me all squeaky and then like a miniature body builder getting tanned and/or oiled I'd get splashed with Nana's Jean Nate after bath splash, lotioned up with corresponding lotion and then reaching the the bath-y promised land, a coupla bops with the Jean Nate powder puff.  It was tres grown up.  Once pj'd up I'd retire to the tv room to watch the Wonderful World of Disney and Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom, whilst Nana clipped my toe nails.  ...So, yeah.  I thought when I randomly spied Jean Nate on the shelf for the first time since 1984 it was some sorta divine intervention leading me to the path of not being pissed off for havin' to do something I don't want to do., ya know?  As for how that's workin' out?

Bonus BBGConfession:  Occasionally on a Sunday evening I'll find myself wondering if I lived close to Nana if she'd be willing to bring back our Sunday ritual?  Don't judge me.

I adhere to a fairly strict If It's Seen Routine, eliminating any unnecessary lotioning efforts.  (Dear Skin, Sorry to be a pest, but seriously?  Everything swimsuit covered?  It's doin' fine on a live and let live basis.  Why are your limb-y areas so fucking needy?)  Unless money and/or cotton candy falling from the sky as a reward for lotioning is something I can arrange I don't know what more I can do to make it a better experience for me. 

...And yet the other day I caught myself bein' momentarily mad at my vagina for being self lubricating while this skin had the nerve to make me do all the work.  Ugh.  Once I took the step to imagine how that'd work (if flip flopped) I decided that all-in-all the current arrangement was probably for the best. 




Friday, February 20, 2015

~ The Day The Pope Called Me Selfish

Scroll.  Scroll.  Scroll.

Minding my own business.  Trying to be knowledgeable of the worldly ta-doin's.  (And schnauzers going rogue to find their people)  Deciphering raw data to determine how many layers will equate to comfort when the mercury takes its impending sub-zero nosedive.  Internally embellishing the phrase 'checkin' the weather'.  Then.  Bam.

Pope Francis: "Not Having Children Is A Selfish Choice"

What.  The.  Holy.  Fuck?

I pride myself on keeping the expectation level of any given day to a minimum.  Like, a bare minimum.  It's why each morning when my peepers pop open I my first reaction is, 'oh?  This is happening.'  The fact that I wake up alive is considered a win accomplished even before my feet hit the ground.  Anything else decent-to-good?  Is quickly classified as icing on the cake.  ...It's one of the tools I use to keep from shanking every dumbass I come in contact with.  

BBG General Daily Expectations:
  • At some point something inexplicably stupid and/or ridiculous will tumble out of my mouth
  • I will learn sumthin' new
  • Someone or some circumstance will cause my head to explode which will in turn cause a smartass or ass-y ass comment and/or gesture on my part that I will be unable to hold in
  • I will then remind myself that whatever cosmic infraction has happened is nothing compared to being dead (#Perspective) and will is THAT something shiny? 
  • An interaction with someone will make me happy to be a human
  • An interaction with someone will make me sad to be a human
  • My food pyramid will be constructed of ill-advised food sources
  • I will laugh at something no one else finds hi-larious (which will make it even funnier)
  • There is a high probability I will sustain some self imposed injury
A Day In The Life...  Getting in the BBGmobile. 
Hit head on garage door opener clipped to the over head shade thingy.

But of all of the things I expect on any random day?  Having to defend or offer any explanation of why I've never put my baby maker to work has never crossed my mind. 

Ok... that's not exactly the truth, the whole truth and nuthin' but the truth.  Exhibit A:  Aniston, Jennifer.  Now I'm not one to be all up in some celeb's 'bidness.  Generally?  I could not give less of a fuck about any celebrity.   But on the other hand, it's 2015.  Good luck trying to watch any news program that doesn't report on shit that in my opinion should be left to the likes of EnterAcessExtraMZ.  While I have no real feelings good or bad about Jennifer Aniston I've always found it weird that she is frequently questioned about the unused state of her uterus.  Weird in the sense that, how the fuck is that a question a reporter thinks germane to any press junket proceedings?  Weirder still that her personal reasons for not populating her personal uterus becomes fodder for negative and judgmental commentary, as if it has any bearing or impact on anyone else's life.  ...So, the thought of having to (if you're a XX chromosome'd human) defend one's like-new state of their uterus has crossed my mind.  But I sure as shit never thought I'd be caught up in such a thing. 

That was before Pope Francis called me selfish.

So here we are.

Dear Pope Francis,
Long time listener, first time caller (ahem) random blog-y cyber letter writer.  I am one of the never used uterus people you called "selfish" last week.  Like you, I think selfishness is a very poor character trait and habit.   It seems more prevalent than ever these days.   It diminishes our connection and understanding with each other.  I'd go so far as to say it blinds us to our own ability to be empathic -- which is kinda the root of everything terrible humans manage to do to one another, no?  

Selfishness is when my needs and desires automatically supersede yours.  That's what you called me.  As it's clear you wanted me to know that, here is what I want you to know*;  I am a registered bone marrow donor.  While a friend's toddler battled leukemia I added myself to the potential donor list.  I knew I wouldn't be a match for him, but I knew maybe I could be a match and offer health and life to one of God's other children.   I am a registered organ donor, meaning when I don't need them any longer my organs are up for medical grabs to provide a second chance at living or an increase to the life quality of some stranger.  I also am a regular blood donor.  And have donated hair.  I use my able-(non-baby'd filled) body to fulfill acts of kindness, generosity and service to others routinely.  And even though cells have never multiplied in my uterus I have helped mother children.  And if we're keepin' it real, other adultsLiterally down to a molecular level I have tried to lay a foundation that builds my character and legacy as unselfishly as I can cobble together.  Don't get me wrong.  I realize I'm no Mother Teresa(Mother Teresa probably wouldn't have dropped 'fuck' twice already.)  But, clearly, I'm trying to be cognizant of putting efforts into being the antithesis of selfish.  Meanwhile, according to you the fact that I've never birthed a baby denotes some kind of latent selfish streak?  Not cool, Pope Francis.  Not cool.

While I do not agree that baby free equates to selfishness, I'm even  more confounded how that even began being a consideration or working theory?   Not having a baby is arguably one of the least selfish things anyone can do. 

The Top 10 Selfish (and uber common) Reasons for Having Babies (-5):
- To 'save' the relationship
- Because, Opps 
- Wanting a mini-me/legacy/someone who'll never leave/love me always
- All the cool kidz are doin' it (societal expectations)
- Someone to care for you in your old age

A lot of babies are the result of actual, straight up legit selfish reasons as anyone with more than 5-7 friends who are parents, or is super self aware and honest can attest to.  Those of use who, for whatever reason (couldn't/didn't want to, etc.) did not (are not) procreate(ing) do not deserve the head of the Holy Sea labeling us as selfish, especially when our actions indicate exactly otherwise.

I don't mean to be impertinent, your Holiness, but you are so off base on this that it seems you actually believe being child free is some sort of radical choice.  Fact:  Some people have no choice.  (7.4 million U.S. women have sought medical intervention for infertility issues)  Some people decide they are not parent material, again for whatever reason.  Personally?  I think *I don't want to do that* is a perfectly valid enough reason to not have children.  (I never really understand why parenthood is so ripe and rife, for and of, mass coordination's of peer pressure to jump on the bandwagon?   Parenthood is the last thing a person should be talked into.  Talking people into trying a new food? Good.  Talking people into trying a new brand of toothpaste?  Fine.  Bearing other actual human beings?  Nooooo.)  Point of fact, I never decided not to have children.  I always assumed I would have them.  I also assumed some guy, who if he never became a millionaire, or short stop for the Cincinnati Reds, or discovered the cure for cancer would still think he was among the luckiest men in the world because he had become mine would come along.  That hasn't happened. (Yet.)  So I ask?  What exactly was my choice?  Settle for a guy I knew wasn't for me just so I could pop out a few wee ones before we inevitably divorced to avoid shankin' one another?  Or to have lived a life that put me in likelihood of becoming an single parent?  (Which as I recall from my years matriculating at Our Lady Of Bad Catholic Kidz is Catholic-y frowned upon.)  Those were the two choices that have presented themselves.  Your error is in not recognizing that not choosing to exercise either of those options (in the event life doesn't unfold to bring the right mate by the right date) is an unselfish act. 

But it's not just me. 

Last week my selfish babyless friend shared her lunch with a homeless man.   Another selfish child free friend spends her time on works to end sex slavery, participates in several charities providing health and education for disadvantaged children.  Yet another of my friends who has never used her uterus is a mother figure to her nieces, nephews and grand nieces and nephews.  As someone who has no children and started of his career being called 'Father', I would think recognizing that those without kids do indeed serve to benefit the lives of others in great and small unselfish ways would be easy to accomplish.  It wasn't last week when you called me selfish, but I hope it is now.



 * Apologies for breaking the Ash Wednesday Rule  (But ya kinda forced my hand, didn't ya?)   " favorite mass of the year is Ash Wednesday.  One of the readings is about how you're supposed to do your 'good works' on the down low.  So much so that your left hand shouldn't know what your right hand is doin'.  Basically the passage says if you're making a big show and/or tell in order to let others know how fucking awesome you are, you're a dick.  Obviously, I'm paraphrasing."  

‘Be careful not to parade your good deeds before men to attract their notice; by doing this you will lose all reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give alms, do not have it trumpeted before you; this is what the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win men’s admiration. I tell you solemnly, they have had their reward. But when you give alms, your left hand must not know what your right is doing; your almsgiving must be secret, and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you.  ‘And when you pray, do not imitate the hypocrites: they love to say their prayers standing up in the synagogues and at the street corners for people to see them; I tell you solemnly, they have had their reward. But when you pray, go to your private room and, when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in that secret place, and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you.  ‘When you fast do not put on a gloomy look as the hypocrites do: they pull long faces to let men know they are fasting. I tell you solemnly, they have had their reward. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that no one will know you are fasting except your Father who sees all that is done in secret; and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you.’



Wednesday, December 24, 2014

~ Dear Po Po

As a copkid, I gotta tell ya, nobody wants to type this less than I do.  I have had more conversations backing your play than I could ever begin to accurately calculate.  The little girl who was so proud of her Mom and Dad for bein' badge wearin' badasses?  I remember her.  Mostly because I saw her the last time I passed a reflective surface.  No matter how much gray sets in or how many fine lines I spy, that lil' girl who thinks she comes from near superhero stock because her folks were cops gawks back.  I make it a habit to give shit to any and all fire people I encounter.  Two words:  General principal.  No matter how many gallons of blood I've donated I'm still a bit surprised when I look down and don't see blue filling up the bag.  I am the epitome of a leave the dance with the one who brought ya kinda girl.

Any presupposed notion that I have an axe to grind with the Po-Po is the plot line of your narrative, not mine.  Don'tcha hate when bloggers say things online that they can't backup?  Yeah, me too.  Boom

In fact, what I'm about to ramble say, I say out of a lifetime of love, understanding and respect, and a desire for this?  This climate?  This moment of time?  This way you're being looked at by the public?  This extra nutting up you must have to do these days to do an already supremely difficult job?  ...A true desire for all of this to be over.

I know you think the public has turned on you.  Whenever police are the worst conversations come up I often end up saying something classy along the lines of, 'now that you know this, that 'n the other about a situation put yourself in a LEO's shoes?  What the fuck different do you do?'   --Sometimes a 'viewpoint' is just a lack of earnestly looking at something from the other side.  Personally, I always find it a pretty shitty way to formulate a viewpoint about the 5-Oh, but I also find it a pretty shitty way to formulate a viewpoint about the public outta LE.

Seeing an issue takes eyesight.
Understanding an issue takes perspective. 
And not just your own.

It's a mistake many of you are making.

Please!  I implore you, stop looking at this as a them (civilians) against us (LE) thing.  Yes, I know 20 times a shift you're getting lots of feedback that feels and looks very Us vs. Them.  I swear to you, it's not.  This is a You vs. You thing. 

There is no solution to the protests, side-eyes and criticism you're experiencing that civilians have any control over.  None. 

Think about it.  Hands upping and #ICantBreathe-ing isn't an outcry for LE to turn into hug giving, daisy and crystal carrying softies.  It's not about hatred for the police, although some people are going to hate ya solely because you sport a badge- - some always have and I suspect some always will.  They are known as assholes.   It's a demonstration of the public wanting to see LE practices, procedures and training reflective of a system that does everything possible to avoid unnecessarily killing people.   Yes.  I said 'unnecessarily'.  I fully acknowledge the danger of the job and that sometimes a bad guy gotta die.  When my guy used to Sam Browne 'n vest it up I always sent him away with a reminder that, "you are to come home."  [BBGW post: Shoot Anybody You Have To]  He knew I loved him.  As he hit the streets I needed him to know that whatever popped off that shift, whatever had to happen for him to return to me was what had to fuckin' happen.  Period.  Full stop. People understand necessary deaths.  Ahem.  Reasonable people understand that some situations unfold in a manner that practically precludes anything other than a crim dying from being the outcome.  Those same reasonable people, I, expect that those instances are the result of their bad decisions.  Not that they're the result of your bad decisions.  (Not you specifically, LE-er/random blog stumble on-er.  For the Official Record, I believe that you are probably a part of the overwhelmingly vast majority of law enforcement that is comprised of well intentioned, honorable, kind, brave people called to serve their communities, to keep their neighbors safe and within the bounds of law and order.)  Again, who is best positioned to fix the unnecessary kills at the hands of LE, you or soccer mom Suzi standing on the street with a sign?  My apologies to Suzi's and soccer moms.

What you are actually seeing is an intervention.  You can deny and deflect, or you can choose to recognize that there's a problem that others see very clearly needs addressing. 
Which are you doing?

I hate to sound like I'm Monday morning quarterbacking, it's not my intention.  It's also not my intention to be anything other than (fingers crossed) insightful/helpful as you navigate the collective relationship status update large parts of the public have recently alerted you to. 

Obviously, I'm not the arbiter of what legally constitutes an unjustified kill.  But I have eyes.  And common sense.  And both tell me that with five? Six officers on the scene?  There were other outcomes which didn't involve a man dead.  As anyone with an internet connection can see this wasn't a time sensitive situation that simply stood no chance of de-escalating, where the only solution was going to ground and choke-holding, this wasn't a terrorist with a kill switch, this was a big ass guy selling single cigs on the sidewalk.  Look.   I get that like tango it takes two (or more) to escalate a situation.  But I also get that it's a crims job to be a crim (with all of the dumbassery, poor impulse control and bad decision making skills that accompany it) and it's LE's job to be the professionals in any and every situation that comes down the pike.  LE is trained in de-escalating, it, like qualifying, and paperwork is part of the job.   Having an actual snuff film featuring a failure to handle what probably could should have been the most minor interaction any of those officers had with a criminal element that day, going viral and the subsequent protest is not a sign that they are off the rails.  Give any 'yeah, but' response ya want, my answer would be the same--   Is that how you'd want your loosey slingin' family member to to be managed by the police if they were at the same level of agitation?  Every MOS has that family member.  (Full disclosure:  Mine was a cousin by marriage who got pinched on drug charges.  My Dad had to arrest him.  'Had' is disingenuous phrasing.  He didn't have to, any number of others could have, I think he thought his presence would make a difficult situation go down easier.  Needless to say Christmas's after that were awkward.  j/k.  We didn't Christmas together before.  There is also a distant family member arrested for shoplifting meat from a grocery.  I'm just sayin';  We all got 'em.  If one draws down on LE, of course you expect they'll be unloaded on.  But you can't deny that you too would expect them to survive a LE encounter over a minor violation that doesn't include your kin tryin' to get lethal with LE.)     

If the protesters want no more than what your expectation of good policing would look like when applied to your family?  Are you starting to see how this has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with how Team Us is collectively conducting itself?

To get suddenly succinct?  Police your own brass and all of Team Them goes away. 

If you're not inclined to listen to some random blogger listen to @ChiefBlackwell:

Obviously, you are not responsible for any one other than yourself.  Again, most reasonable people understand this.  However, much like when you're working and you know who needs to get locked up, but you jusssssst need some wit to speak the fuck up to be able to start to fix whatever problem you've responded to--   You have to be the person to speak the fuck up in this situation, that is, if you wanna fix the sitch and return to your rightful place of being a looked at as the badasses you are, and not the bad asses we see played out too cringeworthingly often on the news. 

Instead of reacting like protesters have some kinda unmitigated fuckin' gall being outraged, consider why they have so much to be outraged about?

Stop giving people ammunition to be used against you.  If you don't want significant portions of the population to think you are a bunch out of control, bunch together to put a stop to out of control behavior.  What you see that never makes the news, people can't even imagine.  But look at the videos of late that leave nuthin' to the imagination...  Eric Garner12 y/o Tamir Rice.  John CrawfordMarcus JeterLevar Jones.  Marlene PinnockAlbert Flowers.   Officer punching child ...You can't objectively look at those and really wonder how Team Them arrived at suspicion, anger and protest.  I guess, ya can.  Look, it's fillin' up my feeds, but I sure as shit don't recommend it if your looking for perspective and an end to this.  Now, ya might not like how protesters are going about displaying their disdain over what they've seen, but you don't get to pick other people's reactions.  Ever.  But specifically when you've devised, instituted and sanction, either tacitly or expressly what it is they are reacting to.  Ya can't give someone sour milk and then be angry that they don't like getting sour milk, and angry that they puked on your shoe, ya know?  Bottom line is if they have nothing to be up in arms about, then you won't see hands up, et al type reactions.   

This shit?  Is not the way to bolster benevolence from the public. 
It is a great way to ensure hard feelings, skepticism and animosity. 
It's a fantastic way to breed contempt in the communities you serve, and not with the assholes are never going to like you but with the solid citizens who want to have your back-- the people you count on the most aside from your fellow officers.  You're moving the line from hard to almost impossible to back you for too damn many Americans.     

It's 2014.  There are cameras e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. 
Act like you understand that. 
(Please Note:  The threat of a viral video shouldn't be the
deterrent to dickhead deeds.  Decency should be.)

As things are, and just so we're clear, here's where we are...  One of my friends is also a copkid [actually, several are] her father recently tried to dissuade his grandchild from considering a career in LE.  Now, I've never known this man to be anything other than proud of his service to his community.  Proud of his profession.  (As he fuckin' ought to be.)  And he's tryin' to talk his grandkid outta badging up.  Not because he's afraid for the kid's safety.  But because he doesn't see any ebb to this current flow of mounting distrust of LE and doesn't want his family member to have to be painted with that brush. 

Maybe I'm na├»ve, but I believe I think the tide can be turned.  You just have to turn it.  Bad apple practices, procedures and people gotta go.  If your expectation level is that community members have to nut up and help solve a problem in their house/'hood, what would make the LE house/'hood any different? 

A giant step towards nutting up and solving the problems at your doorstep?  This:

As much as many of you would like this not to be a race thing.  In large part it simply is.  Look.  Yes, racism exists in every profession.  And if you aren't a racist, congratulations, you have met one of the bare minimum requirements the public looks for in a law official, and a decent human.  But institutionalized racism doesn't exists without people within the institution lookin' the other way, whether intentionally or out of ignorance.  Regardless, when there is actual evidence (see what I did there?) proving that race adversely impacts the interactions with LE at a disproportionately and disturbingly high level to the detriment of people of color, the U.S.S. BenefitOfTheDoubt has already sailed.  If you're busy denying racism within the ranks you're not adept at taking in clues and are in the wrong job. 

Denying something doesn't make it not so, or better. 
Acknowledging something doesn't make it worse, but it is the first step in fixing it.
If you're not willing to do anything about it you're definitely in the wrong job.  (5-O Fact:  Pussin' out is not a desirable attribute in an officer.)  It's not that people expect that LE should somehow magically be exempt from having bigots in the bunch.  Although you'd have a lot less shit to deal with if magic worked that way. It's not that people somehow think every other profession might/could have racists but LE is the only place the phenomena doesn't exists.  It's that the public expects that you will protect them against that too.  Clearly, that's not the experience of too fucking many citizens. (Or, apparently, fellow officers.)  Reminder:  That's not a Team Them issue to solve.  Team Them being fed up with it isn't the problem.  Media coverage of it isn't the problem.  Hashtactivist aren't the problem.  Too many good cops sitting silently as the dregs degrade the profession is the problem.  Don't be that badge.  Don't let others get away with bein' that badge on your watch.  It doesn't make you a loyal cop.  It makes you a weak one.  And a hypocritical one the next time you're pushing someone to tell the dirt on some sumbag they have knowledge of and you're nine kinds of pissed when they don't. 

I know you think this is a protest.  But if you look it really is an intervention.  As I glance at this long ass and curse-y post (honestly, through a few tears) I realize it's nothing more than that letter you see on TV being read by a family member who wants nothing more than to help to try to coax their loved one to be the best they can be, to help pull them from the grips of what plagues them.  The people on the street?  They might not think of you like family as I do, maybe they'd never sit ya down and have a heart to heart with ya like a good friend would like I sincerely am attempting to be, but make no mistake, no matter how you're seeing the message phrased or framed, no matter how much you don't want to hear that noise all Team Them wants is the same thing the same thing I do--  For this not to be.  For your reputation to be beyond reproach.  For all citizens to consider you their safety and not question if you are their danger.  (The exact same things you should want.)  As with all interventions, regardless of how much others desire *goodness* for you?  This battle to bring that to fruition is ultimately yours.   And I sure hope you want it as much as I do for ya.   I don't know what will happen if you don't.  This is a fulcrum moment.  Please tip yourselves away from the bad apple-ing that is rotting what should always be considered one of the noblest of titles, Police Officer. 

~ BBG 


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

~ What You Might Not Know About Driving Behind An SUV

Dear People Who Drive Cars,

Some of you apparently do not realize how you appear to us high riders (SUV's/pickup trucks/vans).  In a car you know someone is tailgating you if, lets say, you can't see the bumper of the car behind you in your rearview mirror.  Unless you are driving a sponsored and logo'd car in a left-er-ly fashion, whilst wearin' a flame retardant suit,  a la NASCAR, drafting tailgating is generally considered a universal no - no, I think we can all agree, no?

And I think everyone is aware of the accommodations they should make around semi's:

Stay out of the shaded areas or things could get shady for you real quick.

But I'm not sure as several times weekly I'm forced to break check some of you bastards that some of you are aware that at a similar distance behind those of us in high riding vehicles that you look even closer because we sit so high that we are looking down at ya from our mirror vantage point.  How close?  I generally don't think twice about you if I can see the tip to the middle of your hood.  Unfortunately, I find all too often that I glance back and find that maaaaaybe I can see where your hood and windshield meet.  That my friends is too damn close.  If all I can see is your steering wheel?  You'd better hope three things:

1)  That you have good breaks on your car.
B)  That you have the reaction time of Flash Gordon.
III)  That your insurance is up to date (and that you aren't getting too close to your point allotment on your drivers license because anytime you hit someone from the rear you are at fault for not keeping a lil' thing called assured clear distance [Ohio Revised Code: Assured Clear Distance]). 

What you look like in the rearview of a car

What you look like in the rearview of an SUV/pickup truck

Tip:   The higher the back window of the vehicle in front of you the farther you need to hang back to avoid making an abrupt acquaintance with my back bumper, higher insurance rates, points deducted from your license, and those pesky, 'it's gonna cost how much to fix my front end?!?' conversations.  True story.
Listen, I completely understand that it's not your fault that my tailgate height, and trajectory of sight means you need to adjust your driving style behind me.  But in fairness, it's not my fault that you can't see around my ride from your 5" off the pavement view, but I consciously make accommodations to be thoughtful of your perception each time I drift a lil' right in my lane in traffic so that you can have an opportunity to see what's going on in front of me.  See.  It's called bein' courteous.  Which is all I'm askin' from ya.  Be courteous and get the fuck off my ass. 


Related Posts:

It's Official Dumbass Season Is Upon Us

Dear Dumbass Driver

Driving: My Pet Peeves


Monday, September 23, 2013

Emmy's 2013: Sooooo There's *That*.

Dear Emmy Choreographers,

Whilst flip floppin' and channel hoppin' last night I stumbled across your interpretive dance shindig-ery to honor the nominees.

It's true that dance is perhaps my least favorite form of self expression-y.

Rounding out my Official Talent That SUCKS List:
(In no particular order)

And while I am somewhat reticent to be critical of something I admittedly have a predisposition to hating, it seems someone should probably mention this to you for future consideration. Um... (deep BBG breath)  
Ok.  Clearly, I recognize, and am minimally familiar with the show (FX's American Horror Story) enough to know that those were dancin' nuns.
(See min. 3:21)

Rounding out my Official Favorite Types of Nuns List:
(In no particular order)
However, it should be noted that no matter what they're supposed to be, brown people viewers are not given a peaceful easy fiuckin' feelin' by lookin' up at the tv screen and seein' people donning white 800 thread count hood-y/mask-y attire.  Even when they're dancing and there's not an actual burning cross involved.  True story.  You're welcome.



Friday, July 19, 2013

~I May Have 99 Problems

But I'm pretty fuckin' grateful this isn't one... 

Now if you still don't know what the hell I'm talkin' about, no worries.  I confess;  I am an ol' advertising girl, so noticing oddities about ads is kinda second nerdy nature.  Obviously, the cracked out picture made me think what the fuck? drew me in, but it was the text that made me think whaaaaat the fucking fuck?? wanna scratch my head.

Ok, here's a hint:

I'm a lady chick and I don't even know what they're talkin' about.  (Which is not a great sign in an advertisement.  ...In fact, clarity is kinda an integral part of what makes an ad successful.  Unless, Squatty Potty is gauging success on the number of times "whaaaaaat the fuck" is the initial response to their ad, if that's the case;  Mission Accomplished.) 

Dear Lady Problems,
As the owner of boobs and a uterus, I'd like to express my sincere gratitude that you have selected some other skirt(s) to harass.  While it's true, your vaugeity and mystery does make me curious about you, (no offense) I hope we never cross paths.  Ever.

Other Odd Ad Posts:

- One Of These Things Is NOT Like The Other

- Built In Redundancy


Saturday, July 21, 2012

~Well, That Takes Balls...

Dear Men,
(...'Cause I think we allllll know no woman would ever do this.)

Big steel balls dangling from your truck doesn't make me think how tough and manly you are.  It just makes me wonder how small yours are.  So congratulations on that.


Monday, January 16, 2012

~Dear Martin Luther King, Jr. (A Follow Up)

Dear Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.~

I wonder what you would think if you were here, experiencing 2012 as I am.  It's been a while since I last checked in with you.  I know, I know, I should write more often.  (Dear Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. [2010] - click)  A lot has changed.  Too much has not.

When we last left off I made a few observations on the state of race relations in our society and the direction I felt in many ways they were heading.  I re-read my last letter to you and found one passage to be so prophetic that I'm sadly considering a name change to BBGtradamous.

"In some ways, it's kinda an odd time in America. On one hand we've managed to vote a man into the White House who like me has the benefit of being made of multiple races. He was elected based on the content of his character, and of course his promise to manage our country better. While this demonstrates a sizable shift in the state of acceptance and perceptions of minorities in our society, I almost feel odd and eerie, as if we're on the brink of seeing some awful things from some of our countrymen.

We're in the midst of hard economic times. People are afraid. Fear of change and the unknown has historically been the catalyst for fervent and more demonstrative outburst of racial biased behaviors and actions in our country. The klan didn't start when Africans were brought to our shores, it started after the Civil War when so many white Southerners were frightened by what free blacks might do, how former slaves freedom might change their way of life, and when they were left in terrible economic straights as consequence to the devastation of the war. It was the easily plyable and those with overwhelming fear who took to the klan's message. The klan positions itself as an organization rooted in Christian ideals, making it's message more palatable and "acceptable" to the target audience.

Do I anticipate a cross burning in my yard anytime soon? No. But, I'm seeing a surge in a more subtle and subversive racially based tone happening in our nation. Some talking heads are busily making up all kinds of new buzz words and catch phrases under the guise of commentating on current events, that are just veiled racist rhetoric. Some times not veiled at all. I find it scary, because it to positioned as "acceptable" and many followers don't view it as anything other than that. I fear that too many good men (and chicks) will do nothing and let evil and hate gain a larger foothold in our society. "

With that commentary in mind, I feel like you would be very troubled by what, in some circles is passing as acceptable. For instance just a few months ago many felt it was acceptable, nay appropriate way to cover the Commander In Chief in this manner:

I know it seems like a President who has taken fewer vacation days than most Presidents in recent history (As of August 2011, according to CBS News (full article - click) by month 31 in office President Bush (43) had taken 180 vacation days.  President Clinton had taken 28.  President Regan had taken 112.  While as of 8/11, President Obama's 31st month in office he had taken 61.)--  would reasonably expect to celebrate his birthday without being called out for missing (a few nighttime hours, mind you) an opportunity to 'create jobs'.  

But as it turns out, when facts are still facts (vacation days are definitive, quantifiable things that cannot be skewed or spun), evidently once the President has a more colorful hue than past holders of the office, some reason goes out the window.  

As does, apparently decorum, a modicum of subtleness (which I guess is good?  I mean, it makes it much easier to see the content of someones heart and their character when worn so ugly blatantly on their sleeve.  I guess...) and any desire to highlight the commonalities between us, but instead to, with Svengali-like deftness, highlight and perpetuate the superficial, meaningless differences with a malicious bent.

Really, now, Reverand Doctor King, regardless of one's political affiliations, what other motivation is to be extrapolated from the selection of Sir Round Mound of Rebound (aka: black basketball player)...The star of CB-4 (aka: black comic)...And 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One (aka: black rapper) as the visual overview, of a party with a guest list including; (either not famous enough, or not pigmented enough to both subliminally and overtly imply, 'see he's different than us', to rate featuring) Tom Hanks, Hillary Clinton, or any famous other non-black attendees?

I don't think it's being overly sensitive to raise the question; would a white President be able to have a birthday without the scrutiny of being positioned as being derelict of duties and subscribing to some ethnic/cultural stereotype?  I don't remember headlines covering Presidents Regan, Clinton or either Bush's birthday celebrations as being Redneck Rodeo's or Hillbilly Hodown's when, for instance, country music artist were in attendance.  Or with inferences that those Presidents were neglecting the substantive issues of their terms while marking the day of their birth. 

Clearly, this shows we have not been able to divorce prejudices (individually and collectively) from how we choose to position our perceptions of reality.  I doubt you would find that very palatable.  Or acceptable.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."     ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

To shed some more light on the darkness of what's going on, sadly, our societal prejudices haven't even been able to be curtailed by law

Recently, Bank of America was fined $335 million dollars over Countrywide's (who BoA now owns) illegal, unethical and immoral lending practices that included;  "over 83,000 loans that were originated in Illinois (<-- just one state!) between 2005 and 2007 was that, if you were African-American or Latino, you were three times as likely to be put into a subprime loan than if you were a similarly credit-situated white borrower."  (PBS/NewsHour full report - click)

I know you would not find those practices and behaviors acceptable either.  Don't shoot the messenger (horrible, horrible, [yet apt] cliche to use, my utmost apologies, I mean no offense), I'm just reporting the facts.  And this is where we're at.

It seems in some ways your message of love, tolerance, the ties that unify us all, and the dignity and humane treatment we find acceptable are being tested more than ever of late.  Not only in terms of racial aspects, but also regarding subjects from gay rights, to the recent arrival of "Arab Spring", along with a myriad of other topics, where people are deciding how much freedom, dignity, opportunity and protection-- and if not outright love, at least tacit acceptance, those deemed "different" will be allowed as we begin this new year.  I wish that you were here to provide your wise perspective and guidance on such matters.

We could really use your kind of leadership these days.  

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people."       
~Martin Luther King, Jr. 
As a culture, we need be reminded that simply not being the lowest common denominator, (or in cool kid colloquialism, a 'hater') is not good enough.  That in order to benefit from the fruition of your dream, that we must actively consort to be the change.  A refresher that any action, big or small that promotes inclusiveness, fairness, love, understanding and respect for any and all of our community is not only the right thing to do, but the expected standard of conduct.

"Every man must decided whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness."                  
~Martin Luther King, Jr. 

As I often say, 'I'm in charge of me', so I can only speak for myself when I say that I will continue to be committed to your efforts, sacrifices and memory and that I will continue to let my light shine.  In all directions, but particularly towards those who are subjected bigotry, hate and prejudice and the recipients of unfair, unjust treatment. 

I hope that the next time I write the tide will have taken more of a turn towards the 'light of creative altruism', and away from the 'darkness of destructive selfishness' that seems to be all to common at the moment.

For now I will conclude with and introduce you to one of my all time favorite songs, by a cool cat named Garth.

(I think knowing this song exists will make your day.)

With ♥, gratitude and hope,


Friday, December 30, 2011

~Fuck You, 2011

Here we are again, tick-tocking down the last few hours and minutes of another year that is about to officially become history.  And that makes it officially time to say; Fuck You '11

I don't want to seem disrespectful of the year.  Plenty of nice and lovely stuff happened this year.  Trust me, I am fully aware every day how much I have to be thankful for.  The blessings (big and small) in my life are, frankly, more than I deserve.  But there have also been a plethora of super shitastic things, that I for one, could have done without, thank you very much.  

Each year I like to do a lil' mental round up of what the year brought me as I prep for the new things a new year will bestow upon me.  Here, for the official BBG record are some of the high and low lights of 2011:

~Ing's.  This has been the year of the 'ing(s)'.  From jeggings, to planking (which begat owling, that begat  horsemaningTebowing and batmaning;)

~Thanks to AnonD, I learned how to make the worlds best kick ass chocolate chip cookies.  (Recipe)  Because I helped, I earned a new title, 'The Primary Whisker'.  Opps!  Am I cracking a code?  If we're bein' honest, it probably shoulda been the primary eater.

~A local 'feel good' story unfolded (and then quickly disintegrated) with the discovery of the golden voice, Ted Williams who found momentary national fame for morphing from an addiction riddled homeless beggar to the voice of a Kraft Mac and Cheese spot aired during the Super Bowl.  ...And then just as quickly from the voice of creamy cheezy goodness to an addiction riddled, 'what ever happened to' cautionary tale?

~In other local ta-doin's, this is the year I had to hear the news announce that some schools would be closed not for snow, (ice, heat, fog, wind chill too low <-- all of which have happened in my lifetime), no, for wild animals roaming.  Lions, tigers and bears, free ranging due to a unstable individual making bad choices.  (56 exotic animals on the loose)

~I was rreminded how many people love me, in big ways and small. And all I can say is, WOW!   And, of course, THANK YOU.  And I know that I am a colossal pain in the ass.

~2011 opened my palate to several new things:  1st Fruity Pebbles.  (Love them!)  Nonpareils.  (Hated 'em.)  Shamrock shake.  (Severely disappointed by Ronald's offering.)  Wheatgrass.  (Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Sweeter than expected.)  Quinoa.  (Really surprisingly liked it.)  Silk milk.  (Thumbs down.)  Hostess Pudding Pie (I thought it would be flaky goodness.  It was not.)  Pomegranate juice.  (It tasted like if a grape and a blueberry had a baby.)  Whole wheat pasta.  (I'd rather eat actual dried and hardened glue strips.)  And Chik 'N.  (While not bad, soy based connective tissue is kinda creepy.)

(We can make soy based mock connective tissue,
but still no wayback machine?!?)

~Yet again, I remain flabbergasted and saddened that science and technology haven't been able to invent a 'wayback machine'. 

~Got my heart brrrrrrrrroken.

~Got my revenge and made a new friend.

~Engaged in a lotta schadenfreude. Mainly at the expense of one of Virginia's newest residents. The score since he's been there? One earthquake. One hurricane. One super early ass and quite unusual winter storm warning in October. Free range zebras roaming the streets. ...It ain't a plague of locust, but none of that seems like a good sign.  It's called karma, asshole. Enjoy it. I sure as fuck am.   Good luck, Virginia.

~I heard 9,9,9, more frequently than a week long Hitlerathon on the History Channel.  Farewell, pizza man Herman Cain. 

~The BBGWorld hit 10,000 visitors.

~Finally, 2011 offered an option for when you can't decided if candy or booze is the answer.  Or perhaps when you're ready to make the step of gettin' lit at your cubicle.  That's right, kidz, vodka gummies.

(Health nuts should probably use vitamin gummies.)

~My first gray eyebrow hair. 

Dear 1 Gray Eyebrow Hair~
I accept that you are here as a reminder that I'm gettin' old (& that I'm STILL ALIVE). In theory I am happy to let you live and share my face with you. Frankly, I find your single whiteness randomly interesting, however you seem to insist on bein' all helter skelter and incapable of not pokin' out and pointing skyward, and I'm not ok with bein' Andy Rooney. *Pluck!!*

~We became the home of World's Biggest Meatball (Finally.  Last years BBG eyewitness account of the near miss)

~Dodged the rapture twice this year (May 21st and October 21st).  So thank you Harold Camping and your predictions of the end of days for teaching me I just might be invincible.  Or that I am part of the 'left behind' (at least I'm in good company, I mean, you're here too.)

~Nana became tech savvy.  Ok, that might be an overstatement of the situation.  Nana has made some semblance of peace with the laptop.  Watching a DVD is out (it took all of 3 minutes and one ejection and putting it back in to determine that this wasn't happenin'), but she can Google, email and read her local paper. 

~NASA provided me with an escape hatch from some of the assholes roaming this place.  Helloooooooo Kepler22b!

~Uncle John tried to kill me.

~This is the year someone tried to tell me how to run my blog.  (...Guess what's never gonna happen?  Bueller?...)

~michigan won.

~We learned the names Casey Anthony, Rebecca Black and Jerry Sandusky. 

~I learned of the magical existence of natatoriums.

~For the first time ever I lost a nail.  Completely down to the bed.  (In happy nail news:  Thankfully a new one replaced it.)

~Continued to be stalked and amazed by the existence and seemingly popularity of by pink rides:

(Why would a person do this?)

~Ponytail'd men, for the 3rd year in a row continued to cross my path:
    (Engaging in some St. Pat's ponytail pullin')

~Got some new lives to corrupt in Eden, Sammy and Asher.  Congrats to Mrs. Steven Tyler kissed my ass (<-- really, I've seen pictures) and her hubby K1.  Two kids have never been so wanted, or will be so cherished.  And haaaaappy 1st boy congrats to Lupe & Jorge.  Those are some lucky ass kids.

~Gone too soon...

A pioneer in how women deal with breast cancer.  Before Betty Ford they were words that were whispered.  After Betty Ford it became something that was fought.  Betty Ford was also the catalyst behind Amy Winehouse's biggest hit and getting many of a celeb clean and sober.  

Heavy D. 

...Now what will we do?  RIP Heavy D.

Smokin' Joe Frazier. 

I once met 1/2 of the Thrilla in Manila duo (Ali being the other, for you non sweet science followin' peeps) at some black tie fundraiser shin dig.  It was well after his boxing days, more the heyday of his BBQ days.  He seemed nice.  I mean, as long as I smiled, giggled and nodded in agreement, at least.  Honestly, I never understood a word he said.  The "discussion" made a strong case for headgear in the ring.

We lost Charles Napier this year.  A name you might not recognize, but Silence of the Lamb's fans will never forget.

And Oprah, who while still alive did leave the airwaves this year.

As I put in a Facebook update:  Well Oprah, you did many things over the past 25 years...built a school, got Tom Cruise to jump on a sofa, gave away some cars, introduced the world to a Phil and an Oz, birthed book clubs, carried fat in a wagon, but ya never could get Nana to stop callin' you Ofrah.   

So good bye year.  

Baby New Year, I'm ready for all of your 2012 goodness, bring it.

Dear 2011,
I'm out.

Haaaaaappy New Year!!

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