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Showing posts with label Surprise: What Uncle John Is Eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Surprise: What Uncle John Is Eating. Show all posts

Thursday, May 19, 2011

~Uncle John's Cast Iron Stomach

It was a regular, average Wed ness day Wednesday evening.  I was downstairs munchin' on my ol' school mini pizza that earlier I'd popped in my now beloved toaster oven.  I was flip floppin' between watching tv and being on the computer, I could hear Uncle John upstairs playing.  He sounded like he was havin' fun.  Hoppin' here and there overhead.  I paid nooooo attention to him and remember thinkin' 'Awwww...Uncle John, still bein' spry, havin' fun.  Good on him" and goin' about my general BBG bidness.

A bit later, I wandered upstairs for whatthefuckever, and discovered that Uncle John had indeed been having fun.

...Yep. 

Havin' fun destroyin' shit:

(So long oven mitt.  How 'bout them purple nails?)

Ugh. 

For starters that was my 2nd favorite oven mitt.  Of the precisely two that I own.  (TMI:  the other being of the silicone variety.)  Then I considered the heavy duty silver stuff, that I can only imagine is not particularly good for d oh double g consumption.  Double ugh. 

I, of course watched Uncle John like a hawk.  I gave him a press on his belly area to see if he seemed tender, or troubled by it's contents.  Thankfully it seems Uncle John has the constitution of Hercules.  By virtue of some crazy ass strong canine digestion and evacuation system he seems to be feelin' fine. 

For the official record, I'd left the damn oven mitt on the counter.  Evidently, not far enough back that on his lil' schnauzer tippy toes he couldn't reach that mitt.  Something has to be super close to the edge for him to be able to appropriate it, so I could only be sooo angry with him, as I, apparently, share in the blame.  Great.  Now I'm losing to a dog. 

(Note to self:  Don't cook anything big.  You now have no way to hold sumthin' hot with two hands.)

Never.
A.
Dull.
Moment.


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Sunday, January 16, 2011

~So, I Sez To Uncle John...

..."you smell very cherry", as he kissed me squarely on the nose.


In longer than I'm comfortable admitting, but am, I thought, 'why does Uncle John smell very cherry?'

So I wander upstairs, where I keep my cherry Lifesavers, in my bedside table for middle of the night coughs or need of sweet.

And Scooby Doo mystery solved:



So long cherry Lifesavers.

Uncle John with one of his trademarked, 'who me? wrong? whaaaaat?' looks.


He's lucky he's so damn cute.

(Uncle John turned 13 on Christmas)


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Thursday, December 30, 2010

~Fuck You: 2010

It's the sanctioned time of reflection over the past year as we watch the ball drop and smooch to the new year. I've had another interesting year. Not, perhaps in the conventional sense of "interesting", but certainly in the, "well, thats sumthin'...", kinda way.

Here are some of the things that happened in ott-10:

-Ate my first deep fried Snickers, McRib, Cold Stone cake batter ice cream, cranberry outta can jelly goo, corn dog, Manwich, Lucky Charm, skim milk & Bocca burger.


Rating: Cake batter ice cream, by far my favorite new find. I've had it several times since. The others? While I wouldn't feel the need to have another one, #1 Snickers. All the rest? Last, Laster & Lastest. At that point does it really matter in which order?

-Increased my ugly, gaudy magnet collection with the addition of Philadelphia and Seattle.

-Grew something from a seed: A moss rose, created by moi!! From a seed people!! Me?!?!

-Found love. He's a good egg. And we make a good match. In a year overshadowed by loss, Double D has been an unexpected highlight and blessing.

-Finally! I have finally mastered the thermostat!! The nights I've woken up too hot only to be followed by too cold are o-v-e-r. The thermostat is on the first floor, the bedrooms on the second, so it's always warmer upstairs than down where it's reading. For longer than I'd like to admit at various, pre-programed points of the night one of us will wake up too hot/too cold, only to stumble downstairs in our hazy half slumber to find that the thermostat says it's 71. Or 60. At 4am, neither 76, nor 66 is within our indoor comfort zone. We've both tried to adjust the temp. On several occasions. Double D even read the fuckin' directions. Once again, my sheer willpower and perhaps random pushing of buttons has WORKED!

-Discovered that plastic measuring cups will be completely mangled by the garbage disposal, if'n one is not careful. Perhaps I should have added measuring cups to my earlier Christmas wish list?

-Saw Touchdown Jesus. Right before it burned to the ground from a, (I swear it's true) lightning strike.

-Learned to make kick ass potato salad. And over easy eggs, which seem like an awful idea, but Double D loves. While I didn't actually "learn" in a way that I could replicate it at home, I did make bread, chocolate no-bakes and fudge with Nana in '10.

-Met a baby who didn't like me. At all. Wanted nuthin' to do with me. With these ta-ta's, babies usually love me. I can put a baby to sleep in no time flat when I'm holding one. This one said nooooooo thanks big hootered brown girl. (Hummmmmm...new blog title for the new year?)
-Wrote my first obituary. Of all the things I never wanted to do.

-Painted trim.


-Found out how hard, boring and labor intensive painting trim is. Straight aways are easy, but cuts on stairs, spindles, etc., holy fuck are those a pain in the ass.

-New lighting: Here, there, everywhere. (PF3 TCB'n, with help of Uncle John, who helps any situation by just sitting and looking cute. Note: Trim before it was painted and sheers before curtains were hung.) (Entry way, Thank you PF3!) (Guest bath, Thank you PF3!! Note: Holes have been patched and painted, yes by me. I'm afraid of electrocuting myself, I'm not afraid of patch and paint.) (Master bath, Thank you Double D)

-Got some new lives to corrupt. Welcome to the world, Maya, Harper and Athen!!!

-Saw a girl cow pee. I'd never seen that before. I must say, it was disturbing.

-Was seemingly stalked by various and sundry pink vehicles.

-Had the mantra I started out the year with beat outta me. "New year, new mojo" scummed to "livin' ain't for the weak" after Papa passed.

-Pulled a biker's ponytail. I just revisited last years roundup posting (Fuck You 2009/December '09) and it seems that this is the second year in a row there has been a 'ponytail incident'. Hummmm.... That probably can't say anything good about how I live my life, can it?

-Purchased a toaster oven. Turns out I think it's outstanding, I'm happy to report.

-Got these outfuckingstanding peeper shades.
-For another year I resisted the urge to bash some dumbass in the head with a brick. You're welcome world.

-For another year I tried to be a good person.

-For another year I was disappointed that a "wayback machine" hasn't been invented.

-Got new tires for ride. Realized that tires can make a discernible difference in the ride.

-Tinkled between mine and another car at a festival, much to my badge carryin' guys chagrin. When a girls gotta go...

-Had BBGW readers from every U.S. state and each continent. Who'da fuckin' thunk it? I mean, reeeeally? Honestly, that's the sign that y'all need to find sumthin' better to do. But from my standpoint, I must admit, that's pretty fuckin' cool.

-New lighting (Part II). (Thanks Ikea and Mom)

-New kitchen phone. Wait. Lemme rephrase, the grooviest retro lookin', 'hello 1954 calling' ringing phone in the world. Added bonus,it has an ol' time-y heaviness in the handset.

-Uncle John ate my toothbrush. Twice. (2nd w/new replacement brush) ...Yes,I know. It's my fault for leaving travel bags still packed where Uncle John can get to 'em. Bad pet owner.

-Was high fived by a random stranger in the grocery store as I exited. To this very day, I have no idea why.

-Was honored by my mini me Goddaughter when she named her SockMonkey after me. It's not a street or plaza or anything, but it's a start. And it warmed my heart. HA! I'm a poet and blah, blah, fuckity, blah.

-Said goodbye to my favorite big brown dog, Gus. Sometimes when Uncle John takes an extra tinkle I think perhaps he's pourin' a little out for his lost homie.

-Made a couple of groovy movies. Wait. That might be misleading. Not like mini Scorsese pieces, or Paris Hilton types, but using pics and movie maker. They're not Oscar worthy, but they're 3 minutes of non boredom. For some reason, my inability to stop to read the upload directions? My lack of computer savvy? My sheer dumb luck? I am unable to share them with the BBGWorld.

-Found the shittiest yo-yo ever.

-Lived long enough to see a political candidate make a public proclamation that they were not a witch.

-Got cable in my bedroom. Every other room had cable except for the bedroom. Yes, that was irritating. Thank you Double D!

-Ate probably more cob than the Surgeon General recommends. But damn! It was sooooo good.

-Started a new life experience by living with Double D.

-Witnessed the lengths some people in my life will go to, to help me, or make things right in my world, or take the time and make the effort to do, or say something kind, or make a gesture big or small to be there for me. (You know who you are, and I THANK YOU!) I realize every day how blessed I am with the presence of so many good and loving people in my life. I hope that I am able to show or convey how grateful I am to have them/you in my world and how much I love ya.

-Saw entirely too many kids in bars. People. Bars are for grownups. Not kids. Is it really dependant on me to notify parents of this fact?

-Spied 1/2 of the tubby cycle ridin' Guiness Record book twins.



Dear Ten~
You brought me a lot of shit. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the weird, random, cracked out and crazy. Probably, many times, more than I should have.

I do, also acknowledge, and am thankful for the loving moments and good times and good people you brought across my path. But for all of the bad, sad and awful you brought I will never forgive you. Leaving me only to say: FUCK YOU!
Love,
BBG


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